Repentant Grief

   I was struck this morning by the realization of what my response to sin should be as it relates to God. I believe my response should be grief because I feel that this is also how God feels when I sin against him. This is not a prolonged bitter grief. This grief is one that demonstrates the contriteness of the heart. In listening and participating in Chapel today I felt God's sadness at my sin. This in turn saddened me because I had caused God pain. Here I am, his beloved child, and I go and do something that once again hammers the nails into Jesus' hands and feet. I can just imagine God shaking his head in frustration. I did it again, I did the same thing I did before and have yet fallen into the same sin. I can imagine parents feel something akin to this when their child misbehaves in the same ways over and again.
      When I think about the majesty and glory of God; the immensity of his love and mercy overwhelms me. He gave so much for this insignificant soul and ,I in turn, spit on it. I know I am sinful by nature but often I find myself apathetic to the desires of God. I choose to sin, it is always a choice. So very often, more often then I care to admit, I simply ignore the warning signs and nudges that God gives me and walk right into my sin. So it is in this realization, grief should be the appropriate response to sin. I have sinned and have let God down and I am truly sorry for it. It brings me to tears to think of letting God down. He loves me so much and his mercy and grace are new every day and I say no thank you. What kind of sense is that? Therefore, in my grief over my stupidity and lack of control I humbly come before God and fall down and weep over my sinful state.
       This is a grief that invites change, a grief that signals an awareness of the sinful state and desire to not remain in the self- indulgent ways of sin. This grief reverberates through my being and makes me ashamed of my cowardice and selfishness. It is not a condemning grief because condemnation does not change a life, it only serves to deepen the rejection. Condemnation does not invite relationship but instead pushes us further away. This grief enables me to realize the profundity of the error of my ways. My sin never only affects me. It may be done in secret and I may tell myself no one will be affected but sin always damages, always separates. My sin wrongs me and damages my relationship with God. When my selfish needs come before my desire to follow God I distance myself from him. In my pride, I say to God I care not for your truth and love and instead desire to satisfy the pleasures that my flesh and mind desire. I worship at the altar of me.

 Oh wretched being that I am, God please forgive me! I know that I do not deserve it. I know that the consistency of my inconsistency is a source of grief for you God. When I consider your holiness in the face of my lowliness I am in awe. I am amazed by your love God. You pour it out so freely upon me, your wayward child. I thank you merciful Father that you forgive me. I thank you compassionate Father that you love me unconditionally. I thank you sovereign Father that you know my heart and my ways, you know my proclivities and that you will guide my way. I pray that this realization will be an enduring truth in my life. Help me to not become callous in my sin, but that my sin would grieve me as much as it grieves you. I thank you that I am made clean by the blood of your Son. Father you are beautiful and wonderful. I am ever thankful for your love. Help me to be a servant worthy of your calling. I love you Father.