Yet again I am faced with life decisions. Though the outcome of said decisions are still quite far off, I feel the weight right now. I am thankful that 'impulsive' is not one of my defining characteristics. While it is good to think ahead I fear that too much forethought is hindering to current expectations or choices. That is to say, I cannot make a decision right now for something that can more appropriately be determined 3 years from now. There is a lot of life to live between then and now. But if I choose to make a decision concerning that issue now, would I not be setting myself on a path toward that decision? Would not subsequent choices and decisions then be made with that goal in mind? So, I would be altering my life path by prematurely making a decision. All this does not change the fact that I am thinking about it now.
For those still reading and not totally confused by my vague verbal machinations; I am referring to the expiration of my green card. It expires in 2015 and the decision before me is: do I choose to renew it or do I forsake it and move back to Canada. I could choose American Citizenship, and no offense to my many American friends, that is not desirable. I am quite proud of my Canadian citizenship and do not wish to relinquish it.
There are positives and negatives on both sides. But my heart is torn. I just seem to be moving from one "life" to another. I make friends and then leave them or they leave me, whichever happens first. There is nothing permanent in my life. I am always plagued with a foreboding feeling of transience. When I think I find a good place, i'm not at ease. I cannot seem to be comfortable anywhere; I mean I can for a while, but then after a time I start to fall into a routine and life becomes predictable. Some may relish this predictability and consistency; I, for whatever reason, cannot seem to find joy in it. Perhaps it is just this transitional decade of the 20s that makes it seem this way. I'm sure I could attribute it in part to my growing up years as an MK. That life of change and temporariness continued in college and then graduate school. In my ignorance of the future I tend to project this trend upon my future. This tends to cast a somewhat bleak shadow on the rest of my life. Who would desire a life of constant change?
My truest complaint with God came when he had me leave California. I was starting to feel settled, I had a church family that I was settling into. I had friends that I was getting close too. While my job was not entirely satisfactory, it served its purpose and it was not entirely predictable. Though, its unpredictability became predictable after a time. I was growing spiritually and life seemed to be heading in a good direction. Then God told me it was time to move on. This call was immensely frustrating and I not ashamed to admit I was apprehensive and hesitant. But who can resist God's will; so I somewhat begrudgingly acquiesced and departed.
My problem is that I feel like I know too much. I know that God only calls people to things that will ultimately benefit them or if nothing else will grow them. So, I know that this is what I am doing in Ohio, I am furthering my education, skill, career and calling. The trouble lays in that I know this. I know it, but I cannot seem to be content with it. I cannot seem to find peace with the way my life is playing out. I always seem to know how I'm supposed to respond to a situation but sometimes I don't want to. It's really frustrating being me sometimes. My mind and intellect are at once my greatest ally and my worst enemy. If it entirely up to me, i'd probably be in culinary school or perhaps art school.
So now I am faced with another possible transition into a new life, though it is still a long way away. The simple answer would be just stay here, renew the green card and live in the US. That has much less hassle and affords more comfort. While that has many appealing features, I remain unconvinced. I have met many good people here and pretty much everyone I know is here in California and Ohio. I have family in Canada but aside from them I know no one, it would be a complete restart. But the idea of moving back to Canada is very appealing to me right now.
All this is exacerbated by the very apparent reality that I am woefully inexperienced in the relationship arena. I am quickly approaching 30 and this weighs heavily on my heart and mind. I teeter between the prospects of lifelong bachelorhood (please God no) and being attached to a woman. But even those ideas are nebulous and undefinable. I have no previous experience with being attached and the idea of being permanently solo seems wholly undesirable. While the concept of a relationship, for that is all I currently have, seems appealing and has many benefits; I am having difficulty with the notion of giving up the complete freedom I currently "enjoy." This is not to say that I cannot relinquish a measure of autonomy in exchange for the goodness of female companionship and the accompanying love and affection that is both reciprocal and bountiful; I just can't speak to that area of my life having never had the the chance to explore it. I am an observer of human behavior but for all my observation I lack intimate personal insight. I feel like an outside observer. I see everyone else's relationship and say, "well I do not like that" and "should that occasion arise I will not repeat his mistake" or "I like that idea" and "note to self, behave that way should that situation come about." These are all well and good but they are all conditional future tense phrases. There is no guarantee a time will come when they will become useful to me.
I am the constant preparer.
Alas, the complications of age and maturity besiege me.
Then again, it all may just be much ado about nothing.
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