where the head and heart collide...

life

2012-01-13T11:50:00.001-05:00

in vivid awakening time passes
the pulse of life quickens and wanes
eliciting a slow and labored breath
this mortal coil pervades

endeavoring to live and love
ever struggling with the fear of doubt
and certainty of truth
hoping to God we are right

supplant this mire with faith
replace these withered and pernicious eyes
and release me from the wretched slavery of abject control
I say again break these chains

the door is barred and seemingly unbreakable
reinforced with doubt and experience
I am hapless and wandering
rap a soft knuckle upon the door

that I might be willing to open
sing a soothing song pray a patient prayer
speak kindly that I might be drawn
as water from a pool placid and still

and yet spring comes anew
a seed once planted begins to grow
when loved with water and fertile soil
and a dash of bright happy sunshine

To the Father

2012-01-04T02:04:00.000-05:00

o Father divine be near to me now
I endeavor to make my stride as yours
in purity of heart and love my character
by integrity and honor may I be defined

o Father of mercy hear my call
I humbly walk by your favor
guard this heart and this mind
that I may be blameless in your sight

o Father of love bless this journey
that we may bask in your light
and by the hem of your robe we are blessed
that we may love as you love

o Father of truth guard our hearts
let not folly and lies beset us
may the light of your truth hem us in
behind and before protected by you

o Father of grace be not far
forgive us when we stumble and fall
calm our sharp tongues and heated hearts
restore our likeness unto you

o Father most blessed I love you so
and thankful that your blessings abound
and grateful that you are mindful and present
in awe that you love and love and love again

Redeeming

2011-12-29T19:25:00.000-05:00

she

the beloved daughter of the King

she of radiant brow bearing noble crown

a beauty unparalleled and unmatched

upon that uncommon day there approached one

a trickster, that brazen contemptible charlatan

in ebon shroud he fired a dart

and the beauty bold envenomed did fall

the poison did its work and her eyes saw not the truth

pleading words from her Father's heart could not penetrate

the pernicious poison turned friend to foe and reason to madness

and she seeking the favor of lesser men and in folly abided

the King in sorrow and determination sent out His champion

in hopes that he might persuade his daughter to return

the champion he of purest white rode forth

at once he did find her that beauty beguiled

quick was the approach of the trickster and his lesser men

seething at the thought of the bold beauty restored

right of ownership was claimed by the calamity she wrought

only a relinquished life would settle the debt

the champion with heavy heart set his gaze upon her

not a harsh word spoken and the Father's love upon his tongue

he bargained with the Falseness and traded his utmost for her life

with the stroke of his hand upon her fair brow the poison melted away

manacled and beaten flogged and mocked

the once great and noble champion laid in humble defeat

she observed the dagger thrust rend his heart

life ebbed from his now spoiled body yet love remained in his gaze

shimmering pools broke into rivulets upon her cheek

a strong and gentle hand lift her countenance

her Father's face inviting her to restored beauty and redeemed grace

with calm reassurance he spoke of the champion's return

they stood and beheld before the trickster and all

the champion arisen whole in strength and light

the charlatan exposed and fleeing in rage

the daughter redeemed and emboldened by her champion's mercy and sacrifice

crazy

2011-12-27T12:15:00.000-05:00

o sweet amorous folly
at once exciting and terrifying
setting my emotional core awry

a swirling vortex of feeling
creating alien sensations within
churning buzzing confusing warmth

what is this quiet smile
what is this somersaulting stomach
what is this pervading thought

i am invaded and bombarded
with shaky hand and wavering voice
in the nearness joy percolates

unexpected

2011-12-19T00:17:00.001-05:00

unexpected has become my guest as of late
it stopped by for a conversation and a plate
ill at ease I was by its giddy gait
with each step anxiety quickened its rate

unexpected came in and relaxed
from the circles and journeys it was clearly taxed
it reclined and dined till its comfort was maxed
then it spoke not a few words and clearly it waxed

unexpected began to explain and push
badger complain extol and shush
my constitution caught in a clever ambush
its arguments persuasively kicking me in the tush

unexpected left me alone for a little while
I had a lot of information to unpack and unfile
questions to ponder and assumptions to put on trial
half truths and villainous lies would not beguile

unexpected returned with its eyes set
questioning with which decision I was met
I stammered but confusion it would not let
so I began to expound and detail and worry and fret

unexpected turned to me with a smile most kind
it could sense the hesitancy of my mind
softly it consoled and my heart began to unwind
unexpected were the feelings that I did find

unashamed

2011-12-15T02:04:00.000-05:00

impelled by a love immeasurable uncontainable a gift was given
regardless of physical hour or date our Savior did come
neither grandiosity nor acclaim was in His plan
intervening as helpless Babe, saving as humble Servant

repelled by the implications of this gift the world retreats
the crowds then and now listen then reject Him
his naysayers both ancient and modern scorn His teaching
yet despite it all He pursues forgives loves

compelled by the beneficence of this gift we respond in adoration
with fervor with passion we lift His name and shout His praise
in this dark world we ignite a holy fire consuming the alter of greed and injustice
for the sake of nations we live and breathe the Kingdom on earth unashamed

be quiet be still

2011-11-29T14:20:00.001-05:00

in the din of the day I press play
the music flows from bud to bud
through my ears to my brain into my heart
voices of brothers and sisters raising offerings of melody and song
I enter in I engage in the silent worship of the heart
I stop my reading I cease my thinking and close my eyes
allowing the music to permeate and infill
gracious and magnificent presence descending
meeting me in my chair in my busy world
in this moment and the next I am with Him
at his feet by his side in his arms
I can do nothing but be
stillness rest rejuvenation
lavished in love and filled with awe
in the company of my creator
it bears no comparison

love so tender so wild

2011-11-28T02:04:00.001-05:00

through perilous forays of meandering thought
beset by dastardly melancholy and by sadness fraught
trial and death so near so wicked with wares and wiles and selfish wants
lies and half truths spewed venomously in all shapes and in all fonts

yet love so tender love so wild uplifted this beleaguered child
his presence like fluffy soft blankets and warm winter jackets so lovingly piled
like oozy thick chocolate or freshly baked bread like newly cut grass or the first spring rain
those pleasant sensations and aromas enveloped and comforted my bedraggled brain

they flow and fill to the gills and to the nose
through eye and the arm to the hamstring by the foot down to the toes
every fiber tingles every member quivers every molecule praises
the saints raise their hands and rejoice because of grace given in love for a thousand faces

cross climber in glorious ascending
cross descender in victory cascading
cloth folder in unseen anticipation
stone roller in miraculous resurrection

Ode to Facial Hair

2011-11-15T14:00:00.001-05:00

scratchy, prickly, rough
pokey, raspy, tough
thin, thick, patchy
spoty, full, flowy
warm, long, short
pronounced, understated, smart
confident, sheepish, foolish
infuriating, irritating, oafish
magnificent, regal, defining
poignant, ironic, refining
beards

abstract no more

2011-11-11T12:17:00.001-05:00

Yesterday in class I had a realization. I wasn't paying attention to the professor, not because they weren't interesting but because I just didn't care about learning at that moment and something hit me. Through this process of deconstruction and deepening of my faith I no longer see God as an abstract other as I had previously done. God was no longer a nebulous grandiose idea or divine being in the heavens. He is my best friend, my father, my lover, my confidant, and my strength. Its not that I didn't believe these things before but they were abstracts; something I knew to be true but had not really accepted as concrete realities in my life. This in no way lessens God's grandeur and magnificence. God is still God: powerful, eternal, and sovereign. But out of this knowledge comes comfort and security in His relational nature. It is precisely because he is sovereign and powerful and eternal and a myriad of other adjectives that I can trust that he will love me unconditionally, that he has my best intentions in mind, that he will not let me down and that he will never abandon me.

Through all the struggles that I and those close to me have gone through I have continually leaned into Jesus. Leaning involves trust, security and love. I would not lean into God if he had not already both told me and shown me that I can trust him and be secure in him. It is out of this security and assurance of deep love that I can be bold and confident. It is from a place of God's power that I can reach out to others and bless them and be a conduit of hope and of God's love and his desire for restoration. I say this not to brag and do not wear it as a badge of honor, it is merely and amazingly a blessing. It has not been easy and has come through pain and shared anguish and it is not complete. I still struggle with being bold and confident but the struggle is with my own flesh and fear. But the Lord's refiner's fire is stoked and doing its work. It is difficult for me, now, to speak of God in non-relational terms and this, I think, is His intent. He does not want to remain an abstract reality to his Children, he wants to be with us and wants us to be with him.

God is a relational being, from the very beginning. Out of his tremendous love he created life and established a bond with his creation. He repeats time after time that he will never leave his creation nor forsake it. Even when his children were in abject rebellion, he provided the means for restoring relationship. Ultimately, he provided Jesus, his own son, as a means of restoring relationship with us. He loved us so much and desires us to be in relationship with him so intensely that he gave this gift. There is nothing, and hear me well, NOTHING you can do to be beyond his love. (There is a difference between God loving you and salvation, but that is not covered here.) Even when you reject him, he still loves you. In your pain and struggle, he is right beside you. When you can't feel him he is next to you. When you hurt, he hurts. When you weep, he weeps with you. I believe it is so important for people to understand this reality. This truth. The truth that God is. The truth that God loves. The truth that God loves you and me. The truth that God desires nothing less than your heart and for you to be in relationship with him. The truth that there is nothing you can do to earn his love and grace, but that he gives it freely and all you have to do is say yes.

Thank you Father

o the rain

2011-11-09T15:35:00.002-05:00

dark and light grey folding upon each other
the conditions are just right
atmospheric visitors descend greeting terrestrial we
splash splosh tumble trickle
blissful pitter patter soothing
drip dropping anticipating the thirsty soil
drink deep and come to vibrant life
blades of green adorned with jewels of liquid
a concoction of mingled water and earth
coating dirty fun limited only by imagination
simple pure beautiful

Shackled Then Free

2011-11-03T02:13:00.000-04:00

darkness personified in deceitful existence
it swung a lethal weapon and its name was despair
despair rang blows upon its helpless hopeless victims
bloodied and cowered they turned to their abuser

it stung them with barbs of shame and guilt
giving them false names and odious identities
enslaved and shackled in mist and bog
lost convinced defeated resigned

light divine and mercy incarnate stepped in
he with tearful eye and overflowing heart
reached and enveloped the broken
whispering hope promising life

pouring his blood and healing their wounds
fluttering eye and pain at the power of the light
an extended hand accepted and clasped
strength of will returned and purpose restored

doubt replaced with resolve
lies dispersed by truth
guilt washed away by love
despair obliterated by hope

Freedom

Rejoice

The Gunman

2011-10-18T21:05:00.003-04:00

a death chime rang out
with spurred foot falls he approached
clink clink clink clink
a dark silhouette against a pale blue sky
his hat tilted with menace, with swagger
unscrupulous eyes like knives
his shoulders relaxed as rattlers
arms slung cool at his sides
though as water he appeared, they knew
but a twitch and hammer fall
and pistol and wide eye would see blue sky then black
the wind blew and the dust danced

Therapy

2011-10-15T11:39:00.001-04:00

beleaguered soul, caged mind they
come and sit and be
as hatchlings venture slow
but bold as courage goes
unveiling a fount of lamentful woe
upon avian wing with trust that one day
they may alight on placid shore

The Obfuscation of Squirrels

2011-10-13T22:26:00.000-04:00

querulous squirrels chatter incessantly
obnoxiously decrying their dismantled home
nattering vociferously in an appeal for justice to rectify
what was done on that fateful luminous day
a woman, perturbed and truculent, hurls a stone
to silence the beleaguered belligerents and dissonant rabble

What would happen?

2011-10-10T13:13:00.003-04:00

in wandered thought I saw a wondrous thing
though many members be and of distance great
the bride the body was of one mind one voice
they of one heart and one love

What would happen if all the churches in a single city got together and and set aside their differences?
What would happen if all the churches in a single city worked together and blessed each other?
What would happen if all the churches in a single city supported each other and blessed their community?
What would happen if all the churches in a single county did the same?
What would happen if all the churches in one state got together with single purpose and became a light in the dark?
What would happen if all the churches in several states did the same?
What would happen if all the churches in half of America got together and agreed to work together, to help each other, to pray for each other, to love each other and to bless each other and the lost together?
What would happen if all the churches in America did the same?
What would happen if all the churches in America with all their members in humility and driven by the Spirit called upon the blessed name of our Savior, Redeemer, Lover and King to empower them to fulfill their Matthew 28 calling?
What if we joined the nations in this, what then?

What if this were more than a pleasant thought or lofty dream?

What if people didn't just say, "oh that would be nice, but...."

What would happen?

Arise

2011-10-05T22:18:00.001-04:00

she cries out in bilious frustration
her hard heart causes her pain
the poison slowly killing the light within
the hand maintained its vice grip

in her sorrow and isolation a whisper
words indiscernible she strains to hear
again the soft wisps of sound tickle her ears
but the claw digs and she quails

the whisper now becomes a voice
in her heart the Word speaks
I love you I love you I love you
she is apprehensive but curious

she feels the stone cracking life returning
the claw clamps tighter afraid of losing its hostage
Be not afraid Be not afraid Be not afraid
she is listening but not yet believing

the voice takes human form and it approaches
she sees Him and hides her face
My child I love you Be not afraid
a slow turn and the poison stops

streams of shame cast their trail upon her cheek
He holds her face in His hands and wipes away her shame
Most precious jewel though fallen you are, arise again
He invites her to stand and the claw retracts

she can feel life returning to her crushed heart
she gazes in the face of her rescuer and sees love
Arise and be who I see you too be who I have made you too be
the monstrosity that hand falls away

rivers of joy forge new paths upon her smile creased cheek
the light is restored and shines of love and grace
My daughter my beautiful one you are free come and be restored
joy abounding she dances

Beloved Shame

2011-10-05T15:31:00.000-04:00

he saw it there though she did not
this monstrosity this hand as it approached
slowly methodically it crept up to her heart
appearing pleasing and desirable to her eyes

she indulged it without knowing
and thus it was too late
with a pounce and a spring it clenched
with strength unknowable it clung to her heart

what was pleasing became contemptible
what was desirable became sordid
the eyes of her heart now saw
and she turned to folly and despair

those gnarled callous digits clenched tighter
the putrid nails cut deeper and deeper
an acrid poison slowly injected
death and shame began to fill her heart

in anguish he watched from afar
powerless in himself
naught else but prayer could he lend
for she had shut her ears

slowly as he observed, her heart began to callous
and as callouses do they became hard
hard from the closeness of her deceit and beloved shame
her once vibrant heart was becoming cold, cold stone

martyr

2011-10-04T00:55:00.002-04:00

feather foot falls but not a sound

lest their pride and joy be found

their love their joy their source

is damnable by culture of course

clubs break and sirens blare

curious eyes search and stare

shackle and bruise cannot compel

strength unwavering all could tell

iron bar and dank cell contain

but soaring soul cannot refrain

to sing of joy in voice of praise

and to their Father and freedom gaze

sentence passed and verdict found

their bodies would soon meet the ground

with fearless eye and faithful heart

they await their moment to depart

their reward their treasure is bestowed

in Abba's presence it was foretold

no threat of pain no fear of duress

safe and secure in the heaven's caress

Fully Alive

2011-09-29T17:03:00.001-04:00

enveloped in despairing darkness I walked alone

shadowy thought and ebon shame

the spectre of hope was beyond my sight

that black oppressive weight on my mind

through the haze and inky mire a vision

a faint glimmer and unspoken promise

the webs of deceit I began to destroy

mist dissipates and I dare to hope

my eyes are awakened and I see

the son shone bright and clear

my fears and tears are wiped away

drenched in glory I am free

that love bringer, that glimmer of hope

that lie shatterer, that speaker of truth

that mercy provider, that giver of grace

that ransomer of life, that redeemer of humanity

The Saboteur

2011-09-20T17:53:00.000-04:00

I sound like you
I feel like you
I think like you
I am not you

I am that which makes you fail
I am the one who makes you second guess
I am the one that casts doubt
I am both subtle and brash

I cause rejection
I cause anxiety
I cause squandered chances
I cause passivity and aggression

It is I whom you rely on
It is I whom you put your trust
It is I who leads you into folly
It is I who frustrates you

It is my voice that pervades your mind
It is my advice you so often take
It is my wisdom you listen too
It is my experience that makes you give in

Though you know I am false
Though you know I am wrong
Though you know I am empty
Though you know I am a lie

I tell you I'm true
I tell you I'm right
I tell you I am abundance
I tell you I am truth

You creature of I don't think so
You creature of just wait
You creature of not yet
You creature of maybe not

You know me quite well, don't you?

Autumn

2011-09-13T11:13:00.000-04:00

with subtle transition the vibrant hues give way
upon a fluttering wind and blustery gust
translucent shapes tumble carelessly
once radiant spires shed their emblazoned regalia

shadows lengthen and the waking hours diminish
the land grasping for the vestiges of summer's warmth
an ambient crispness intermingles and then pervades
the journey towards rebirth begins with death

Resistance

2011-09-02T02:12:00.000-04:00

This is a scene from Ingmar Bergman's film: The Seventh Seal.
For any film nerds out there, I realize the knight's adversary is Death
and not the Devil, but it still works for what i'm talking about.

Recently I started reading The Pilgrim's Progress by John Bunyan. I had never read this before; I had heard a rendition of it done by the wonderful people who created the Adventures in Odyssey radio series but it was in reading the actual text that I had the deepest connection. Bunyan is a painter with words. The story appears to be so simple and straight forward but, since it is an allegory, the meaning of the story is much more profound. The images he creates are beautiful; I recall when Christian has come before the cross and the heavy pernicious burden he once carried slipped easily from his shoulders and tumbled down into the sepulcher at the foot of the hill. So simple and so sublime an image. When we come to the foot of the cross and yearn for the forgiveness and salvation only he can give, the burden of our sin is taken off our hearts and we bear it no more.

Another image that impacted me greatly was the confrontation between Christian and Apollyon in the Valley of Humiliation. This is a masterful depiction of the deceiver come to destroy us. Apollyon attempts to woo Christian back to his old life with promises of greater status and position that could be his if only turned back. When silver tongue did not prevail, Apollyon turned to threats of violence and destruction and yet Christian remained steadfast in his resolve. It was only when Apollyon's fury fell upon Christian in combat that Christian nearly quailed. Yet even then he reached out for his sword and smote his enemy and was saved.

This brought to mind my own struggle with sin and temptation and how I don't put up nearly the fight that Christian did. I see myself quailing at the threats and the deceiver doesn't need to go beyond that because of my weakness. I was convicted by this realization. Quite often i don't put up a fight, i'll resist to a point and then give in and then feel like an idiot afterward.

It has become clear that God, as a part of my deconstruction, is now challenging my commitment to him. I say challenging because he is bringing up issues such as integrity, fortitude, and identity. At a men's ministry breakfast I was invited to, the pastor challenged us to be men of integrity, that is, being men of conviction and courage and honor even when no one is watching. The pastor read Psalm 69:5 and it stuck with me. It reads:

"You know my folly, O God; my guilt is not hidden from you."

Nothing we do is hidden from God, I can be the most upright Christian before everyone on earth but God will still know my faults and sins. Therefore a person of integrity, while they will still sin because it is our nature as humans, acknowledges that sin before God, seeks forgiveness, and strives to live a righteous life. I believe that a natural bi-product out of this righteous living for God is a righteous living before humanity. When we live for God and through God we will exude his characteristics.

In the realm of fortitude, I believe the image of the battle between Apollyon and Christian was God saying, "Will you do this? Will you resist the enemy to the point where you don't think you can resist any longer?" It is written:

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."
1 Corinthians 10:13

What this says to me is that my weakness is prevailing. When the temptations come I put up a thin wall which is easily blown over. I could and should be calling upon the Bulwark of God's strength, truth and love to aid me in my resistance of the enemy. Just as Christian overcame Apollyon's lies and attacks first with truth, then with righteous defiance and then with a desperate clinging to the word and power of God. I thought Bunyan's description was great; he said, "Christian's groping hand found his sword." Groping, at least in this context, speaks of a desperate and purposeful search for the his sword which is the truth. We will find ourselves in this situation constantly; the devil knows our weaknesses and how to exploit them when it is most inopportune. Thus this groping for his sword illustrates our struggle when we experience an attack; we must be able to grasp onto the truth of God's word and use it to overcome the enemy. Upon grasping his sword Christian said, "Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise." Christian's words are the words we should be saying to our enemy. By the power of Christ and the truth of his words we will rise again. We will stumble, we will fail, but the mocking voice of the enemy will have to power over us because we are found it Christ, safe in his love and secure in his truth.

The last point I wish to make at this late hour, is that of God challenging my identity as a Christ follower. God is constantly redefining our relationship. As we grow in intimacy, new dynamics of the relationship must be addressed. It is akin to a romantic relationship: first dating then engagement, then marriage and then years of deepening that relationship. Its not a perfect metaphor but it'll work. With each level of relationship comes new challenges and new levels of openness and intimacy (ideally). At the beginning, those involved share more superficial things as they are not sure of the other or their willingness to love or be loved. As things progress, the conversation becomes deeper and the knowledge of the other becomes more intimate. The lovers learn what each other likes and dislikes, what brings them joy and what hurts them, when preconceptions they have, what ideas they agree or disagree on and so on and so forth.

And with my words as clear as mud I carry on....

At the Wednesday night group I attend, Jeremiah 2:13 was the topic of discussion. It reads:

"My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water."

Two sins: forsaking or turning their backs on God and digging their own cisterns. These sins are two sides to the same coin, but I often acknowledge one but not the other. When we sin we are essentially digging our own cisterns. The sin is relying on that cistern to provide the sustaining water we need to survive. What this means is we are rejecting God's cistern. To contrast these more concretely, our cisterns are filled with run off water; essentially, things we pick up along the way such as habits, behaviors, defense mechanisms, etc. God's cistern is filled with living water; which is truth, love, grace and a multitude of other life giving things. His is a cistern that never drys up or becomes polluted or poisoned, whereas ours is full of holes and is prone pestilence and decay.

The reality is that we can't have both and we so often choose to languish in our old and busted cisterns. And so, the truth that I often neglect is that by choose my own unsustainable ways, I am in that same instant rejecting God's completely sustainable ways. In this way, God showed me that I cannot continue to choose my own cistern and continue to call him Lord of my life. Because my actions and decisions quite often do not reflect my words. I call on him when things go wrong in life but then forget about him when things go well. This cannot be. God is a jealous God, we wants us for his own, he will not share our affection with anything else. But he will not force us to love him, his jealous love is manifest when we choose him and then start to stray toward other "lovers." Those of us who profess to be his followers must long for relationship with him and must struggle through our developed hindrances and specific barriers to loving and trusting him. In Pilgrim's Progress, one of the tactics Apollyon used was to try shame Christian with all of his past failures, he reminded Christian that he had already rejected God and that surely God wouldn't love him because of it. But Christian countered that lie with the truth of God's compassion and forgiveness. That God was willing to take him back if Christian was willing to repent of his old ways and turn to follow him once again. And this is truth, that God will always take anyone back, no matter how egregious the sin, who will genuinely repent and turn from their old selfish ways and serve Christ in both word and deed.

God is love, that is, he is the essence of love, the definition of love. Apart from him we would not know perfect love. It is this love that brings him near to us when we struggle and fail to deepen our relationship with him. It is his love that sustains us when we think we cannot carry on. He has come all the way to us and, amazingly, almost incredibly, all we have to do is take his hand.

a new song

2011-08-12T20:19:00.000-04:00

In my fear in my weakness, I have cried out to you
In my fear in my weakness, I have called your name
In my fear in my weakness, you have met me
In my fear in my weakness, you have called my name

you are near
you drive out fear
you are everything I hold dear
you are my passion

In my fear in my trembling, I brought to you my lament
In my fear in my trembling, I bared my heart and my shame
In my fear in my trembling, you heard my cries
In my fear in my trembling, you have captured my heart

you are holding me
you are loving me
you are healing me
you are molding me

In your power in your love, you are instructing me
In your power in your love, you are sending me
In your power in your love, I am who I need to be
In your power in your love, I am safe I am secure

you give me strength
you give me hope
you give me courage
you give me compassion

Joy In The Storm

2011-08-07T21:38:00.002-04:00

What does it mean or look like to have the "joy of the Lord" in one's life? Is there a noticeable difference or is it only known and experienced by the individual? It would seem that to have this joy, one might see and experience events and emotions differently. As Henri Nouwen says, "We realize that joy is not a matter of balloons and parties, not owning a house, or even having our children succeed in school. It has to do with a deep experience - an experience with Christ." Now, does this "experience" refer to specific kind of experience? One in which we open our very selves, our identity, our wishes, desires, and motivations up before him and let him wash them and mold them unto himself. This can by no means be a singular event or a painless experience.

To allow God to wash us clean we have to first allow him access to that which is unclean within us. Those dark secrets and deepest wounds must be offered up to be healed and cleansed by our loving and merciful God. This in turn calls for immense trust; because the task is made very difficult if we first do not trust God to do what he said he would do. In addressing this trust, one must find and confront the barriers within that hinder them from placing their full trust and confidence in God. Even we who are believers in Christ withhold part of ourselves from God. When what is often our only reference point for trust is other humans we see that this trust is easily broken and not easily replaced. Thus we transfer this image of trust onto God because we don't know another way. Being saved does not remove our human reality and it is this reality that God must redeem.

It is far easier to acknowledge a good God from a distance. We can verbalize this truth without actually believing what we say or understanding what it really means. We can see his goodness from the Bible and in the things he has done in the lives of others, but if we have not personally experienced it, it becomes much harder to acknowledge and allow ourselves to accept it. A predominant reason is that quite often we don't think we are worthy of God's goodness. We feel that our sin is too great for even God to look at; we have too many things and God couldn't possibly want us still. This and a plethora of other reasons are barriers to accepting God's goodness and allowing ourselves to trust him. But even as we seek to understand our barriers we must invite Christ into this journey with us. If we have affirmed him as our God, then on some level we have intuited that he is who he says he is and as such we can acknowledge that his intentions are indeed pure and that he is motivated by a desire to love, redeem and sanctify us. Beyond this it is not too great a leap to believe he desire the ultimate good for us and is therefore trustworthy.

Once trust is established, we can begin to let God into our secret places. Those places we have bound up so tightly and hidden away so deeply that we dare not go back to them. But it is precisely these wounds that cause us the most pain and heartache. Though we suppress and attempt to ignore them, they continue to leak turmoil and pain. All too often we become angry and frustrated with ourselves, wondering why we simply cannot move past these annoying and painful wounds by ourselves. The reality is that it is our "self" that is the problem. We are too closely connected with the issue to be able to have the proper insight and be able to look at it objectively.

This is precisely why we must allow God to move into those areas and redeem them. He must meet us in those spaces and love us there. The Father so deeply wishes to tell us that he loves us regardless of those painful wounds. God's perfect love, a love that has no conditions or requirements, that demands no promise of reciprocity and is freely given, is the salve or antidote to our aching wound. We desperately need to hear him say, "My son/daughter, I see what ails you and I love you. This thing you've been holding onto, give it to me; you don't have to carry it anymore."

This is the beginning of freedom, this makes joy possible. This is also when we become more acutely aware of the molding and shaping of our self. We have made the choice to allow God in to dark places and have accepted his love and his will and now he is going to break us down, he is going to deconstruct us. It must be a deconstruction rather than a total destruction because God must take each piece of our self and work on it so that we feel his redemption at work. This is the relational way. If God simply dropped some spiritual dynamite on our self and blew it away and replaced it with something else we wouldn't have any say in the matter and the newness would be foreign. Whereas with the deconstruction God is taking what is already in place and bringing it before us and working on it with us. He redeems as we listen and learn.

It is in this breaking down that we must have faith that the final result will be beyond belief. It is in this process where we can find joy. As Nouwen said, this joy is not a trivial or persistent happiness but an enduring experience with God. This experience of joy will be different for everyone in its details but it is one of deep seeded comfort and security that God is with us and will not ever leave us. Though this breaking down process will bring pain and we will not like it and at times we may feel that we cannot bear it, God is right there sustaining us and encouraging us.

This is joy that we may experience the presence of God, the warmth of his love and the security of his strength. This is no mere happiness or earthly security; but it is knowing that the one who created the universe and its contents, who is sovereign over all time and space, who judges the good and the wicked fairly and unbiased, who burns with anger at injustice and wrong-doing, who at the same time loves completely and has compassion for the oppressed and powerless, chooses to be with you and with me. It is this knowledge that provides joy and it is this joy that gives us hope when storm and travail beset us. This hope that it will pass in time and a new light and promise come with the dawn.

this world

2011-07-27T10:43:00.000-04:00

empty words tumble from careless lips

backward thoughts create them.

verbally disparaging darts find their mark on the loved one's heart

tears, frustration, shame

ignorance and folly cohabitate in the minds of humanity

hedonistic indulgence rules the heart

young and old alike are lead by wanton pleasure and empty promises into despair

they grasp at darkness and darkness obliges

how often a flicker of light seems to drown in a sea of darkness

a glimmer, a hope, a future unrealized

where are the light bringers?

The Christ-like Church

2011-06-29T03:01:00.000-04:00

It is very easy to lambast the protestant church in North America. It has many faults and quite often gets things wrong. This then provides ample fodder for our disdain and ridicule. We are so good at separating and fracturing; we run rather than confront the issues that cause the division. I know some divisions are necessary but I wonder how many of divisions could have been prevented had the people involved simply chose to work through their problems.

One of the central messages of Paul's ministry was the unity of the body of Christ. He was constantly trying to drive that point home with all the churches he ministered too. In Ephesians 4:1-6 he writes, "I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit - just as you were called to one hope when you were called - one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all." Paul had good reason to expect this of them; there were many conflicting religions and cults and cultural practices that vied for his congregants attentions and loyalties. This was not merely to differentiate Christianity from Emperor worship or any number of pagan religions; this was to foster an attitude and life style that mimicked the Savior they were supposed to be following. Are Paul's reasons and motivations so different from what ours should be now?

Not only do we have to contend with different religions and cults but we also have to deal with rampant consumerism, instant gratification and a culture that screams "ME AND MINE!!". We live in a fast food world. If our internet doesn't load instantly we become angry. If our current romantic partner isn't making us happy or satisfying our needs we find another. This and many other examples are certainly true of the unbelieving world but it is also true of much of the Christian church in the 21st Century.

We take this consumer mentality with us as we choose a church. If this church isn't serving our needs we move on to the next one and so on down the line to the 45 other protestant variations within a given city. I understand that some churches just aren't doing things right (whatever that may look like) but there comes a time where we have to make the decision to stick to one place and try to be help the church instead of moving on to the next one. Please hear me when I say I am not condemning anyone who church hops, I am just as guilty as the next person. We all have our reasons for moving on and to a certain degree it is good to feel comfortable in a church. I'm not saying we need to just settle and be happy with a church that is clearly dying. I'm saying we need to be attentive to the voice of God when we join a particular church body.

What I am getting at is that there should be no simple passive receptiveness in Church. We should not simply relegate our lives to becoming sheep who follow the pattern of showing up at church because it is expected of us and we might not look like a Christian if we don't make an appearance. I believe that every Christian has a part to play in the church, each according to the gifts they have been given by God. Just as it says in 1 Corinthians 12 and Ephesians 4:11-16. Now it is true that not everyone will know their calling or have the courage to embrace their calling. This is nothing to be ashamed of if that person is willing to be used by Christ, puts forth the effort, and allows other believers to come around them and support and teach them. Everyone is at a different place in their life, some will require more instruction and encouragement than others. But in all things we must approach as Christ would.

I believe it is imperative that we engage and serve as Christ did. It should really be no surprise that the unbelieving world largely finds Christianity to be irrelevant, outdated and bigoted when those who have the loudest voices are those who do not present the true Christ to the world. They present some abhorrent facsimile based on who they have created Christ to be or they have presented "Christianity" as they have created it and not how Christ intended it. Though we, the silent majority, are not blameless. We almost proudly wear our disunity on our sleeves. We speak with pride about our denomination and look down our noses and bite our thumbs and "those other people" who do not agree with us. I know not all churches are guilty of this but often we set up "outreach events" solely for the purpose of drawing unbelievers in and trapping them so have to listen to the gospel message. How is this Christ-like? When did Jesus draw people in under false pretenses and then slam his message down their throats? No one wants that, I know I certainly don't.

"And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is Love." (1 Corinthians 13:13)
People can identify pretense and falseness. Even if the pretense is well intentioned it is unwelcome because it is not made with genuine interest in who the person is. We cannot present people to the God who loves unconditionally and holds no pretense but genuinely loves all and wants the best for them if we ourselves do not exhibit these attributes and behaviors. In addition to this when we ourselves are in discord and disarray we are ineffective as servants of Christ because we are too focused on fixing our internal struggles and strife.

This seems like a tall order, after all, we are but human ourselves and are prone to error just like anyone else. This is true; therefore the issue is not so much that we have problems but how we go about fixing them. If we argue and disagree over matters of theology, let us do so in love and with an open mind. We might learn something that could enhance our faith and draw us into a new dimension in our relationship with God. If we squabble about mundane and (in my opinion) irrelevant things such as seats or pews, juice or wine, power point or no power point, instruments or no instruments and so on, let us do so with love for the other person. Its just common decency to allow people to have their opinions and to vocalize them and respectfully disagree if you do not agree. There is no need to become hostile and divisive over such trivial things. Above all I believe it paramount that we remember why we are Christians. Why did we make that decision to follow the Christ? For what reason did we come to the conclusion that the God of the universe was the one for us?

I believe that these questions are crucial for all Christians to answer. I'm not one for fear-mongering, but I believe a time is coming where the freedom of religion we enjoy in western culture will be taken away. I don't have proof or solid evidence of this but if we observe the religious climate in western culture, it is certainly not moving in a favorable direction. And as such, how will we as the body and representatives of Christ respond to such a threat? How will we: this divisive, often hostile, confrontation avoiding, fallen people stand together? Should such a time come, will all these petty differences matter? Does it really matter whether one person uses the King James Version and another does not? Should we not focus our energies on the words that are written within and applying them to our lives? Should we not choose to love one another as Christ loved us?

I think of the story of the woman caught in adultery, how did Jesus respond to her? The religious leaders were condemning her, shaming her, made her feel lower than dirt. She no doubt felt the gravity of her sins. I can imagine that at that moment, surrounded by hate and rejection, she wanted nothing more than get away from the crowd and hide her shame and would have then remained unloved and rejected. I can imagine Jesus' actions would have been terribly confusing and bewildering to her. She had probably heard of him or at least had knowledge of some great new teacher who was traveling around and speaking to the masses and now, she was before him. And he was saying nothing; merely doodling in the dirt. The religious leaders hounded him for a response and he calmly states that if any of them were sinless they could throw the first stone. It must have been quite shocking when slowly the jeers and condemnations stopped and the crowd of religious leaders started to thin until it was just she and him. Then Jesus straightens himself out and asked her where her accusers were. She replied and he in turn replied as only he could have, "Then neither do I condemn you, Go now and leave your life of sin." (John 8:1-11)

If we look at Christ's ministry; it was not his mission to debate Jewish theology and cultural practices or the Torah. He seemed to get exasperated with his disciples when they repeatedly failed to understand the meaning of his message. Christ came to present himself as the means of restoring humanity's relationship with God. If we call ourselves Christians or Christ followers how can our attitude or purpose be any different? Christ restored our relationship with God and presented us blameless before him. It is then our charge to bring those who yet do not believe to the feet of Christ so they can experience this restoration and blamelessness.

As I stated at the beginning, it is very easy to bring indictments against the body of Christ, to point out all its faults and short comings. But pointing out the faults doesn't bring about change, it merely illuminates the problem. We humans are great complainers, we whine and bellyache about this and that but very often are unwilling to bring about the necessary change. So instead of merely commiserating over the lack-luster image we are presenting why don't we pluck up some courage and take hold of the strength God provides and do something about our problems. Lets stop dividing every time there is an issue and instead, talk about it. Include the whole body; yes there is leadership for a reason but the whole body is affected by the decisions that are made. Lets empower the laypeople to take a more active roll in the church. Lets educate those new to the faith in the Bible. Knowledge of the bible is so lacking these days; so many swords are dull and few know how to use them. I know I benefited from the Awana program that made bible memorization a priority and provided incentives to those who memorized the most. This is not to say that he or she who knows the most scripture is the best but more to the point that he or she who knows the most scripture is best prepared. The only caveat there is that knowing the most doesn't equate to proper usage. Therefore along with scripture instruction should be proper interpretation and application.

I know a lot of what I have said comes from an idealist perspective and most of it is easier said than done. I know a lot of churches are trying to do this to the best of their abilities. I know that generations of churches, being the way they have been, have left a certain lethargy and apathy which makes change quite often unwelcomed or unwanted by the people who need it most. The work is not easy and will require a lot of sacrifice. I speak from the perspective of one who, at least at the time of this writing, is not called to church leadership in the pastoral sense. I do, however, feel called to the betterment and edification of the body of Christ. As a servant of Christ and a member of family of Christian believers I am responsible for not only my own relationship with Christ and with those around me but also for providing the means for others to develop healthy relationships within the church and with Christ.

I have great respect for the pastors and elders who are trying to bring people out of the stupor and lethargy to create a body that cares for each other, their community and has a heart for the world. They need support as well. I have seen and read that ministry can be a lonely time and quite often devoid of the kind of support that the pastors truly need. If we as the laity are depending on pastors to live out their calling to bring us the word and to lead us as the body of Christ then it is our task to support them and show them the love of Christ and to shower them in prayer and encouragement.

It is my belief that to truly have an impact on this world, we the body of Christ must be united by and in his love. We must encourage and pray for our leaders and one another. We must foster an atmosphere of love, compassion, grace, equality and justice. We must be reasonable, wise and intelligent in the decisions we make. We must be authentic in our approach. But most importantly we must be keep Christ at the center of everything we say and do.

poor eyes

2011-06-22T02:43:00.000-04:00

His heart wails in agony and laments to his mind.
His mind, in turn, bemoans the emotions of his heart.
His emotions and nerves recoil in an attempt to self-sooth.
His faculties turn to his eyes desperate for an outlet for his turmoil.
His eyes turn away in shame and resignedly declares:
"I am powerless, He has forgotten how to cry."

Merciful God

2011-06-16T23:56:00.000-04:00

O powerful and merciful God
I raise up my thoughts and prayers to you.
My heart is heavy for your children
Your daughters are molested and objectified
Your sons are power hungry cowards
In our selfishness we are destroying ourselves.

So very often I hear of the pain and the turmoil
Both here and abroad your children are in strife.
The depravity of our species is beyond comprehension.
It overwhelms me.

I am saddened by the thought of your precious daughters being used
Then the next instant forgotten; a passing pleasure.
I know it breaks your heart to see them living this way
It certainly breaks mine.
Yet I feel powerless to change this because it is my gender that victimizes them.

I at once feel rage and pity for my brothers, your sons
I find myself not wanting to love them, though I know I should
The cycles of deception and sinful life has lead us to where we are now
I ask for your heart for these broken men
I know I am not blameless but my human mind holds my sins to be lesser than theirs
But before you all sin is equal, I am just as wretched as they.

God in my weakness I despair at the evil of the world; but in your strength I can prevail.
I thank you that you entered into humanity and made yourself like us.
I thank you that Jesus sacrificed himself for us; your love is deep.
I thank you for your mercy and grace.
I thank you for your righteousness that belays your justice; for we are all guilty.

I humbly ask for the strength to make a difference in your name.
I pray that my life would be an example of your love to those I meet.
I pray for wisdom to bring healing to the hearts and minds of those I encounter.
I pray that I would always be defined by the humility and love of Jesus.
I pray this not for my own benefit but to bring you glory and fame.

I love you compassionate Father and merciful God.
Your beauty and glory are beyond compare.
I am in awe of your majesty.

God's Restless Nomad aka Me

2011-06-12T01:54:00.000-04:00

Yet again I am faced with life decisions. Though the outcome of said decisions are still quite far off, I feel the weight right now. I am thankful that 'impulsive' is not one of my defining characteristics. While it is good to think ahead I fear that too much forethought is hindering to current expectations or choices. That is to say, I cannot make a decision right now for something that can more appropriately be determined 3 years from now. There is a lot of life to live between then and now. But if I choose to make a decision concerning that issue now, would I not be setting myself on a path toward that decision? Would not subsequent choices and decisions then be made with that goal in mind? So, I would be altering my life path by prematurely making a decision. All this does not change the fact that I am thinking about it now.

For those still reading and not totally confused by my vague verbal machinations; I am referring to the expiration of my green card. It expires in 2015 and the decision before me is: do I choose to renew it or do I forsake it and move back to Canada. I could choose American Citizenship, and no offense to my many American friends, that is not desirable. I am quite proud of my Canadian citizenship and do not wish to relinquish it.

There are positives and negatives on both sides. But my heart is torn. I just seem to be moving from one "life" to another. I make friends and then leave them or they leave me, whichever happens first. There is nothing permanent in my life. I am always plagued with a foreboding feeling of transience. When I think I find a good place, i'm not at ease. I cannot seem to be comfortable anywhere; I mean I can for a while, but then after a time I start to fall into a routine and life becomes predictable. Some may relish this predictability and consistency; I, for whatever reason, cannot seem to find joy in it. Perhaps it is just this transitional decade of the 20s that makes it seem this way. I'm sure I could attribute it in part to my growing up years as an MK. That life of change and temporariness continued in college and then graduate school. In my ignorance of the future I tend to project this trend upon my future. This tends to cast a somewhat bleak shadow on the rest of my life. Who would desire a life of constant change?

My truest complaint with God came when he had me leave California. I was starting to feel settled, I had a church family that I was settling into. I had friends that I was getting close too. While my job was not entirely satisfactory, it served its purpose and it was not entirely predictable. Though, its unpredictability became predictable after a time. I was growing spiritually and life seemed to be heading in a good direction. Then God told me it was time to move on. This call was immensely frustrating and I not ashamed to admit I was apprehensive and hesitant. But who can resist God's will; so I somewhat begrudgingly acquiesced and departed.

My problem is that I feel like I know too much. I know that God only calls people to things that will ultimately benefit them or if nothing else will grow them. So, I know that this is what I am doing in Ohio, I am furthering my education, skill, career and calling. The trouble lays in that I know this. I know it, but I cannot seem to be content with it. I cannot seem to find peace with the way my life is playing out. I always seem to know how I'm supposed to respond to a situation but sometimes I don't want to. It's really frustrating being me sometimes. My mind and intellect are at once my greatest ally and my worst enemy. If it entirely up to me, i'd probably be in culinary school or perhaps art school.

So now I am faced with another possible transition into a new life, though it is still a long way away. The simple answer would be just stay here, renew the green card and live in the US. That has much less hassle and affords more comfort. While that has many appealing features, I remain unconvinced. I have met many good people here and pretty much everyone I know is here in California and Ohio. I have family in Canada but aside from them I know no one, it would be a complete restart. But the idea of moving back to Canada is very appealing to me right now.

All this is exacerbated by the very apparent reality that I am woefully inexperienced in the relationship arena. I am quickly approaching 30 and this weighs heavily on my heart and mind. I teeter between the prospects of lifelong bachelorhood (please God no) and being attached to a woman. But even those ideas are nebulous and undefinable. I have no previous experience with being attached and the idea of being permanently solo seems wholly undesirable. While the concept of a relationship, for that is all I currently have, seems appealing and has many benefits; I am having difficulty with the notion of giving up the complete freedom I currently "enjoy." This is not to say that I cannot relinquish a measure of autonomy in exchange for the goodness of female companionship and the accompanying love and affection that is both reciprocal and bountiful; I just can't speak to that area of my life having never had the the chance to explore it. I am an observer of human behavior but for all my observation I lack intimate personal insight. I feel like an outside observer. I see everyone else's relationship and say, "well I do not like that" and "should that occasion arise I will not repeat his mistake" or "I like that idea" and "note to self, behave that way should that situation come about." These are all well and good but they are all conditional future tense phrases. There is no guarantee a time will come when they will become useful to me.

I am the constant preparer.

Alas, the complications of age and maturity besiege me.

Then again, it all may just be much ado about nothing.

Playoff Emotion

2011-05-28T02:53:00.000-04:00

The tension is palpable, the clock is winding down
second after second, doom and bitter defeat draw ever nearer
the pass, the shot, the redirection, the celebration!
In all parts of the globe, fans raise their voices in unrestrained jubilation
the game is tied and will go for another period.

There is relief in the fans, as well as apprehension.
20 long minutes of sudden death pass by
save after miraculous save, the keeper is the essence of perfection.
There is no change in the score and once again the buzzer sounds
The fans cheer and are relieved for a brief break in the tension.

A drop of the puck and a face off won and lost
The rugged, violent drama ensues before the enthralled masses
Steel meets ice and carves up its glossy surface.
the puck comes to the blue line and an awkward pass is made
there is confusion, a puck has been lost... or so they thought

A lucky bounce or the divine will of the gods of hockey,
the lone skater approached the small black rubber disc
with all faces turned away he let fly an awkward shot
the puck tumbled and turned in what seemed like agonizing slow motion
the horn sounds, arms and shouts are raised to the rafters:

VICTORY! VICTORY! VICTORY!
REJOICE VANCOUVER!!
HISTORY IS MADE THIS NIGHT!

Repentant Grief

2011-05-23T13:03:00.000-04:00

I was struck this morning by the realization of what my response to sin should be as it relates to God. I believe my response should be grief because I feel that this is also how God feels when I sin against him. This is not a prolonged bitter grief. This grief is one that demonstrates the contriteness of the heart. In listening and participating in Chapel today I felt God's sadness at my sin. This in turn saddened me because I had caused God pain. Here I am, his beloved child, and I go and do something that once again hammers the nails into Jesus' hands and feet. I can just imagine God shaking his head in frustration. I did it again, I did the same thing I did before and have yet fallen into the same sin. I can imagine parents feel something akin to this when their child misbehaves in the same ways over and again.
When I think about the majesty and glory of God; the immensity of his love and mercy overwhelms me. He gave so much for this insignificant soul and ,I in turn, spit on it. I know I am sinful by nature but often I find myself apathetic to the desires of God. I choose to sin, it is always a choice. So very often, more often then I care to admit, I simply ignore the warning signs and nudges that God gives me and walk right into my sin. So it is in this realization, grief should be the appropriate response to sin. I have sinned and have let God down and I am truly sorry for it. It brings me to tears to think of letting God down. He loves me so much and his mercy and grace are new every day and I say no thank you. What kind of sense is that? Therefore, in my grief over my stupidity and lack of control I humbly come before God and fall down and weep over my sinful state.
This is a grief that invites change, a grief that signals an awareness of the sinful state and desire to not remain in the self- indulgent ways of sin. This grief reverberates through my being and makes me ashamed of my cowardice and selfishness. It is not a condemning grief because condemnation does not change a life, it only serves to deepen the rejection. Condemnation does not invite relationship but instead pushes us further away. This grief enables me to realize the profundity of the error of my ways. My sin never only affects me. It may be done in secret and I may tell myself no one will be affected but sin always damages, always separates. My sin wrongs me and damages my relationship with God. When my selfish needs come before my desire to follow God I distance myself from him. In my pride, I say to God I care not for your truth and love and instead desire to satisfy the pleasures that my flesh and mind desire. I worship at the altar of me.

Oh wretched being that I am, God please forgive me! I know that I do not deserve it. I know that the consistency of my inconsistency is a source of grief for you God. When I consider your holiness in the face of my lowliness I am in awe. I am amazed by your love God. You pour it out so freely upon me, your wayward child. I thank you merciful Father that you forgive me. I thank you compassionate Father that you love me unconditionally. I thank you sovereign Father that you know my heart and my ways, you know my proclivities and that you will guide my way. I pray that this realization will be an enduring truth in my life. Help me to not become callous in my sin, but that my sin would grieve me as much as it grieves you. I thank you that I am made clean by the blood of your Son. Father you are beautiful and wonderful. I am ever thankful for your love. Help me to be a servant worthy of your calling. I love you Father.

Ruidoso el corazon de mi

2011-05-14T02:13:00.000-04:00

then He called aloud
but my heart was just too loud
He still pursues me
--------------------------
a whisper unheard
a voice embodied by love
a persistent call
--------------------------
an awakening
anticipation follows
a revelation

Jacob

2011-05-08T02:42:00.000-04:00

He fumbled for his keys in his jacket pocket. Brushing past a mint wrapper and a few nickels, he took hold of them. He approached the door to his house after a pleasant stroll through his neighbourhood. Jacob loved to walk, especially in this pleasant weather at the tail end of spring that transitions into summer. He would set out with his favourite cane and traverse the familiar sidewalks. This walk was much the same as the others; he greeted neighbours and stopped to chat with his fellow green-thumb five houses down. He took comfort in the familiar feeling of the oak cane in his hand as it supported his failing hip.
And now as he endeavoured to make key meet lock, he relied on that cane in this frustrating act. He cursed under his breath at his shaky hands, the target was visible and yet he could not make his hand place the key in the lock. With an exasperated sigh, he steadied his hand and was met with success. He opened the door and set his hat on the table next to the door and put his trusty cane in the closet. He took a moment to take in the house, so many memories in this place; so much love. He smiled and walked into the kitchen and got out the coffee beans. He ground them up and then inhaled. Ahh the pleasant aroma of freshly ground coffee! He put the grounds and water in the coffee maker and turned it on.
He slowly walked up to the kitchen window. They were bay windows and gave him a grand view. He looked out from his mountain-side view over the city that had been his home for the last 43 years. The sun was beginning to go down and the sky was turning colors. Jacob loved the sunsets with all their glorious yellow and pink and purple hues. He poured himself a cup of coffee and walked out onto the veranda. The air was still warm but was starting to cool and the wind was mild. He sat down in his favourite chair and took in the evening. Melody wasn't home yet from her bridge night with the girls but that was just fine. He liked to take some time and reflect and take in the glories of God's creation.
He took a sip from his cup and thought about his day. He had seen Jasper today, hadn't seen him in a few years. Glad he's doin' well. Thinking about Jasper reminded Jacob of his son. His eyes moistened with tears at the memory of his departed son. Matthew was going to be 34 this year, too young an age to go and his poor wife. Mandie was strong, but the loss of a spouse is hard for anyone to bear. He brushed that memory aside and thought back to his younger days playing with little Matthew and his sister Jillian. Oh the games they would play! He brushed the tears from his eyes and smiled at the memory of seeing Jillian's first soccer game. She was so proud in her new uniform. Jacob was glad she had married a good man.
The more he reflected the broader his smile got. He let out a chuckle at the memory of the first time Jillian had brought a boy home, that boy was scared silly! That reminded him of when he first met Melody... Ah what a beauty. It was her eyes that had captivated him. Such a deep blue, so intelligent and so piercing. He was a lucky man to be sure. After all these years their love had only grown. Sure they had their hard times, there was a time or two where they could have called it quits but no, He loved her too much for that. Besides she looked cute when she was riled up.
He had done well hadn't he? In life. In love. His kids weren't delinquents, he hadn't fooled around. He thought about where life had taken him and, in his limited remaining years, where it take him still. Jacob did not look forward to the end, but in a way he did. He was loath to be parted from his beautiful Melody but at the same time he knew where he was destined to go. A life of faithful service to the Father put aside any doubts he might have had. His eyes welled up again, this time in sadness. He did not despair, he only thought that.. well.. that he would miss her, terribly so.
There was a jingle at the door, his darling was home. He remained in his chair and started wiping away his tears. She knew he had taken to solitary contemplation and he didn't want her to see him weeping. She called out his name, he loved the way it sounded when she said it. There was love in it. He said he was on the veranda and she came out to him. She came up behind him and wrapped her arms around him. Hey handsome. He smiled at her and gave her a kiss. She saw his moistened eyes and smiled back. Jacob took in every detail of that moment, the way her hair fell over her face, the wrinkles that formed around her smiling eyes. Her perfume that always tickled his nose. She sat down next to him and together they watched the sun go down.

Monster

2011-04-26T13:35:00.000-04:00

upon a pedestal, an altar, if you will
stands one not so pleasant
a being both vile and infantile
it glowers, it commands, it needs

I bring it worth, power, accolade
I lavish it with attention, love, worship
an insatiable fire it is, always burning, never warming
it consumes, it destroys, it burns

it continues to vie for dominance
a contender is in the shadows
with a smile he gently beckons me to him
but the monster screams its displeasure and I quail

when the beast is unawares I glance toward the shadows
I see the man and there is something about him
a warmth, a comfort, a power unlike the monster
a love inexplicable radiates about him

the monster catches me looking
his rage is unquenchable
he grabs my neck and reminds me
all I need is him

suddenly it is clear to me
this monster, this beast, this cruelty
feeds on me, on my needs, on my fears
he demands and I acquiesce

a wave of realization, a curtain drawn back
the monster's mirth is cruel and dark
he removes his mask
the monster is me

that familiar feeling

2011-04-18T23:10:00.000-04:00

his confidence battered and bruised
the sublimity of his existence was shaken
tears like incandescent jewels escaped his eyes
the vice like grip of fear overcame him

he ran
every foot fall reminding him of his cowardice
each stride taking him further from truth
and in his escape he felt shame

soon it became dark and he slowed his pace
in his self-focused escapism he became lost
about him was a mire, an overwhelming bog
he opened his eyes wide to see his predicament

but the diameter of his pupil did not improve his vision
he was entombed in darkness
despair seized him
the last glimmer of hope seemed to be deserting him

he clambered after it
he begged it to remain
wild-eyed and distraught
he cried out: MERCY!

Sunday

2011-04-10T16:08:00.000-04:00

The warmth of the day is welcome
i go out and meet it
I recline upon the rough cement
and empty myself of thoughts

The clouds have left
the sun kisses my face
I enjoy the moment
that blissful embrace

I hear the roar of the wind
as it passes the trees
I feel its caress on my face
that gentle touch upon my neck

For this time the world is beautiful
the world is at peace in my little moment
For but an instant serenity
my surroundings feel like home

The hopping running spider that skitters along the path
the roving ant who follows his meandering course
The tentative squirrel who endeavors to cross the yard
the leaf whimsically tumbling end over end

I observe much and experience even more
there is beauty all around but I seldom stop to notice
I turn inward to reflect
give free reign to my thoughts

They go here and there
to this person and to that
To possibilities and options
to experiences had and yet to be had

A knowing smile crept across my lips
i close my eyes and contentedly sigh
Opening them anew and seeing creation
seeing ingenuity and imagination

This was a divine moment
where He put at ease my heart
where I rested in His majesty
This was worship

Musings on Existence and Memory

2011-04-04T22:50:00.000-04:00

   Though I'm fairly certain this will not ever happen, at this time I am fairly comfortable with the concept of becoming nothing at some point after death. This thought came about when I began to think about the concept of eternity. This is no doubt based on the finite view of existence that I currently hold but I think that eternity is a very very long time and I can't comprehend being and doing anything for all time. To be honest it sounds very exhausting. The line of thinking was, after a given amount of time residing in glory and community my being just simply ceases to exist. I realize there is nothing biblical about this and I sure it won't happen and I'm sure that once my body and soul are renewed I won't think like I do now. But this sounds appealing to me right now. I will have seen God, I will have dwelt directly in his presence and I will have communed with fellow saints and having done all this what is left that can be so perfect? This departure into nothing wouldn't be met with him trepidation or despair or sadness, I picture it being much like laying back onto the most comfortable bed ever; I lay my head upon a pillow and with a fulfilled smile on my face i close my eyes and let out a short contented sigh and simply drift off to sleep and then cease to be. There is nothing to escape, no fear or pain to be rid of nothing hindering and no regrets. It is simply the slumber of the fulfilled and loved individual.
   This does however raise some issues. Would God be OK with this? Would this be permissible? Because to think of the reality of this hypothesis; I would become nothing, there would be no transfer of energy and mass. I would not become dust or merely decay into bones, I would just cease to be. It seems that this would mean that since God is entirely in control, we would have to uncreate me. He would have to remove his love from me. I don't know if he would do that or if he could. Then again, if the choice was mine and I were free to make it then he would not need to remove his love because the object of his love would cease to be. And so he would be removing but would have no other choice but to either redirect his love else where or what is more likely simply close off that 'valve' of love that once was directed toward me.
   This also begs the question, if I ceased to be would I also cease to be remembered? The reality is that I am not truly dead because death, as I currently understand it, implies the cessation of life and the soul's separation from the body. Which, in turn, implies the continued existence of the soul on a different plain. Thus non-existence is a vacuum. What once was is now no longer. So I could assume that the memories others would have of me would be similar in the way they remember me if I had died. I think its safe to say that previous existence is still previous existence regardless of form.
   Another interesting notion came to mind, can one actually cease to exist? Taking God out of the equation for an instant, if, for instance, I lived entirely alone my entire life and my mother and father both died fairly early on and never told anyone about me. Then, I suppose, one could cease to exist. But this is almost never the case; we all have an impact on someone else's memory whether it is positive or negative. This is a reality we cannot control. We will inevitably be remembered by someone and so, since this is a reality, the memory of me or who I was continues on after I have ceased to be. Then again is it really me that is remembered? What is more likely is that we all view everyone else through the filter of our mind. As such we inevitably misrepresent or project a version of the other in our memory. So this is to say, is what we are remembering actually the other person or a version of them of our own creation? Yet another question, is there anything wrong with that? Since we cannot ever really know someone, is it OK that the memories we have of them are not who they actually are? Does the idea that our minds interpret and filter who each other are based observable and sometimes intuitive data change how we think about each other?

death, where is your sting?

2011-03-12T00:56:00.000-05:00

we cry out in our bereavement

we mourn the loss of the loved one

its not fair its not fair its not fair, we scream

in this we see your sting

we don't understand

sometimes there is no rhyme or reason

its not fair, its frustrating, its maddening

in this we see your sting

but through this pain we have a hope

a hope in the one we place our lives

it is the hope of victory

in this, where is your sting?

because of one death, nay, the death

we have life and a hope and a promise

because of this we will see them again

in this, where is your sting?

this hope does not negate the pain

this hope does not solve the frustration

this hope does not make it any easier

but this hope negates the sting

we can be sad and feel pain

and yet we have hope

we can be angry and frustrated

and yet we have hope

we can have doubts and questions

and yet we have hope

Love has vanquished death

we do not need to fear

Love has brought life and hope
o death, where is your sting?

When Heaven meets Earth like an Unforeseen Kiss

2011-02-23T12:49:00.000-05:00

there is within us a blight
and a battle we must fight
but with the help of God's great might
we shall overcome that tumultuous wight

a sacrifice many found so trite

the sins and nails did bite

but by his blood we have gained the right

to be called sons and daughters of light

when the dawn obliterates the night
we will be dressed in robes of white
no sorrow or need for fright
in a voice of praise we will unite

with tender arms he does invite
you and i to be his delight
with a love that burns so bright
we are precious in his sight

The Platter

2011-02-15T23:42:00.000-05:00

When we sin, we are like a little child who walks around with a broken platter. Very often we choose to walk around lamenting the broken platter and we choose to remain in this sad state and do not cry out for help. Conversely, we choose to hide the platter and hope no one finds out that we broke it. We choose to live with the knowledge that we broke the platter and pretend that it didn't happen, but it eats away at us. There is, however, a third choice. We can choose to bring the platter to the Father and say, "I broke it, please fix it." and he will. He takes the platter and makes it whole again. Then we can take back the platter and use it joyfully to serve others.

Love Letter

2011-02-05T01:13:00.000-05:00

To the delight of my heart,

My child I see you. I see you in your pain. I see you in your hurt. When the turmoil and confusion threatens to take your sanity, I see you and I love you.

I weep when you are hurt. I lament at what brings you pain.

But I am not far away...

When all these things are heaped upon you, come to me. You don't have to carry this weight. Put it on me. My strength is sufficient for you, give me your pain, your sorrow, your rejection, I can handle it.

Do not hold onto this pain, I give you freedom if you would take it.

I give you this love like a warm blanket, take it and wrap it around yourself.

I only ask that the love you experience, you share with those you meet. That they can also bring me their load and they can experience freedom.

I love you so very very much!

We'll talk again soon,

Jesus

Would you?

2011-02-05T00:46:00.000-05:00

Powerful is the drive to understand and to be understood, to know and to be known, to love and be loved.

We petition the Almighty.

Would you love me more if I were attractive in the eyes of men?

           If my face were more symmetrical?
                       If my figure were more appealing?
                                           If I were the envy of those about me?

Would you?

Would you love me more if my mind were sharper and able to comprehend the depths of wisdom?

           If I could solve the problems of men?
                           If I attained power and wealth?
                                       If I was well thought of among my peers?

Would you?

Would you love me more if my athletic prowess surpassed that of those about me?

           If glory and accolades were mine?
                              If records were shattered?
                                           If I alone stood at the pinnacle of success?

Would you?

Would you love me more if I were chief among your followers?

            If I memorized your word better than these?
                            If I led more of the lost to your presence than any other?
                                                If my congregation was in such numbers that no man could count?

Would you?

In the softest of tones and with such tenderness as no man could understand but the hearer, the Almighty saw fit to answer my burning questions.

My child, I care not for these things.

        I would love you if the eyes of men turned away from you.
                             If you were not the loveliest, I would love you still.

        I would love you if you were worthless in the eyes of men.
                                If you were the humblest of men, I would love you still.

        I would love you if your body failed you.
                                If you could not gain praise from the least among you, I would love you still.

        I would love you if you were the least of these.
                               If you had but one friend and shared my name with him, I would love you still.

My child, my beloved, my precious one. You can not understand the depth nor the reach of the love I have for you.

                                   I do not love because I must, I love because I choose.

My love for you is such that words cannot describe and minds cannot fathom.

My own son I did not withold. This I did because my love for you was great and my desire is for you to be with me and to not parish.

Do you yet not understand?

O beloved, why do you hate yourself? Why do you consider yourself to be lesser and unlovable?

You are mine and my child. Your form was not unknown to me. Never was nor will there ever be a time where I do not know you.

You were created as a testament of my love and I have declared you, my creation, wholly good. Though your will may divert. The strength of my love will never wain nor waver.

If I have loved you and called you good, what argument can you make to the contrary?

Will you not pursue me as I am pursuing you?

O beloved, O friend, I love you
                                   I love you
                                      I love you
                                         I love you
                                            I love you forever and always.

grey matter

2011-01-30T22:39:00.000-05:00

Let us consider the mind

a wonderful terrible fickle place

where reason and fantasy reign, though not at the same time

where logic and lunacy vie for superiority

where a thought holds captive the waking consciousness until it is fully explored

where flip-flopping emotions run rampant

where creativity is birthed and its children are as varied as the stars

where terror and elation co-exist

where secrets lie

where the albums of experience are on display

on second thought, let us not consider the mind

but if we must, let us not tarry long

Come Away With Me

2011-01-08T17:47:00.000-05:00

The day traveler has meandered the expanse of the visible sky and my head embraces the pillow. I take a respite from the grey world of logic and reason. My eyes close and the last vestiges of light receed into darkness.

I perceive a voice that beckons:

Come away with me O child of the night. Come away with me and do not despair. We go to a land of adventure and wonder. A land where honor and fantasy reign. We go to a company of mighty and valiant friends. Take up your armor, take up your sword. There is no telling what mischief lays abroad.

Come away with me O child of the morn. See there the wizard weaving his spells. See there the archer with bow strung tight, she never misses her mark. See the mighty warrior there, whose powerful arm will protect all he calls friend. See there what awaits you for the time is right.

Come away with me O child of the sword. You have taken up your sword and your sheild. You have joined the company of heroes and are not afraid. Mount up you heroes, mount up you friends! Let us be away for adventure awaits.

Come away with me O child of battle. Your enemies approach and they will not quail. Raise up your sword and cry aloud. Your friends are beside you, encouraged and proud. A step forward and then another, a powerful charge is yours and your friends cause thunder.

Come away with me O child of blood. Your sweeping blows cause foes to falter. Stricken fiends lay here and there. The carnage of battle is grievous its true, but the cost of great victory is never so paltry. The vile captain arrives and fells many champions, but your strike land true and his rampage is halted.

Come away with me O child of might. The battle is won and victors give out a cheer. But do not celebrate long and forget those dear. Those fallen friends whose blood now mingles with the vanquished evil whose threats is at an end. Raise a flagon in their honor: to the fallen heroes!

Come away with me O child of the field. You have journeyed long and fought many a foe. Take a respite here in the care of your friends. Rest easy and know that I am watching over you. Sleep now and regain your strength. Tomorrow a new challenge awaits.

I awaken now to the light of morning, in my grey bed, in my grey room. A feeling of dismay and longing for the adventure that had felt so real. But the tendrils of logic and reason began to regain their control and I rose up to meet this new day. But I will not forget those comforting words from beyond. "Rest easy and know that I am watching over you."

The Quiet Mind

2010-12-02T03:45:00.000-05:00

A quiet rage

A subdued frustration

And yet, peace.

Obfuscated aggression bursts forth

Obscene slurs spew from my lips

And yet, peace.

I violently shake the cage

I scream inaudibly

And yet, peace.

I beat my fists against the wall

I kick and charge the barriers

And yet, peace.

I am bruised

I am weary

I am defeated

And yet, peace.

And yet, peace.

Imago Dei

2010-11-27T00:32:00.000-05:00

So I went to Starbucks to read and as I started reading, a question popped into my head.
My question stems from a quote from John Calvin's writing, "On the Christian Life":

"In this way only we attain to what is not say difficult but altogether against nature, to love those that hate us, render good for evil, and blessing for cursing, remembering that we are not to reflect on the wickedness of men, but look to the image of God in them, an image which, covering and obliterating their faults, should be its beauty and dignity allure us to love and embrace them."

With regard to the concept of loving people because the are image bearers of Christ; how does this apply to someone who is attempting to inflict bodily harm or kill you for no other reason than it pleases them? Are we still called to love this person?
Do the words of Jesus which say, "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." (Matthew 5:44) apply to someone like this? Certainly, by their purpose they are your enemy, but having established that they must be loved and prayed for because they are your enemy a second question is asked: can one see Christ in another, who by their actions, behaves contrary to Christ?
But then, are we to look at the actions, motives, and thoughts of that person as the image of Christ in them? Or instead, is it the ability to reason and emote, or the mere fact that they are identified as human by their genetic structure; are these what define the image of Christ in them?
So what then is the image of Christ? To start we can list off the characteristics of Christ, but, being that this person is your enemy and is trying to harm you, the characteristics of Christ would either be non-apparent or absent in this person.
This begs the question then, how do we know God? I don't think there is a simple answer to this question. For myself I would say I know God firstly because he chose to reveal himself to me; secondly, I know God because I choose to persue a relationship with him and in the process of this relationship I have known him experientially as well as through scripture.
So having given a rudimentery understanding of how God can be known, we go back to the original question, what is the image of Christ? I would say that it is that which you have experienced and known Christ to be. This is a complicated concept because what I know and have experienced Christ to be is different than what others may have experienced or known Christ to be. Thus, each of us is beginning at a different starting point, but ultimately God is the same regardless of how we understand him.
So the 'what' leads to the 'how'. How, then, can we see Christ in others, especially when the other is your enemy? This is by no means a perfect theory, but one could say that the image of Christ is our experience and knowledge of Christ projected onto another person.
Taking this theory a step further, as Christians, hopefully, we know and believe that Christ is the author and creator of all life. Psalm 139 states this. Because Christ is the creator of life and because he called his creation good, and called the creation of humans very good (Genesis 1:31), humankind is given immense worth. This declaration of the goodness of the creation of humankind can be seen as God's stamp of approval on humankind. This stamp, then, is the image of Christ on the human being.
Thus, by knowing that God created all humankind and declared his creation good and giving humankind immense worth and leaving his Christ-impression on them, we can love others, even our enemies.
I believe this satisfies my first question of how do I see the image of Christ in someone who is trying to kill or maim me for sheer enjoyment. The reason being that it does not matter the degree or the severity of their evil motivations or actions; sin is still sin regardless of how grand or miniscule we perceive it to be. To God, if I choose to lie to my parents or if a man kills his neighbor, each action is equally damning. Thus because we all have done something that has seperated us from God, it does not matter how good a person we are, or how great or pleasant a life we lead, we all deserve death. (Romans 3:23-25, Isaiah 53:4-7) Thus, the reason for the cross. Thus, the reason for Christ's sacrifice. He died and now we don't have to. Is Jesus, Lord of your life or are you lord of your own life? (Romans 10:8-13)
Now that we have loved, we must progress to praying for our enemies. This might even be harder than just loving them. This does not mean we pray against them and for their demise. This means that we pray for God to intercede or to reveal himself to your enemy. How great would it be to see the one who formerly wished you dead or at least worse off than your were previously, now a brother or sister in Christ. Instead of wishing ill upon you, they are now praying protection over you. Instead of hating you, they love you.
Now this is the positive outcome; what if your enemy does not turn toward God? What if he continues to hate you and God? Well, I think all you can do is just keep showing love to them and keep praying for them so that you will be blameless and your enemy will have no ammunition to use against you, save his own malice. God has a plan and maybe you won't see the outcome of your enemies life. Simply trust that God will do as he sees fit; he is sovereign, we are not.

what are your thoughts on the matter? If you think (or know) i'm wrong on some point, I want to know.

The Wind

2010-11-23T01:11:00.000-05:00

the wind called to me
I got up put on some warmish clothing and grabbed my iPod and headed outside.
I found a dark spot beneath a tree, I didn't want anyone to see me.
I lay beneath that tree and observed the moon and stars and clouds and branches and grass and worshipped.
I thought about my life, my present, my future.
I thought and thought and thought some more.
He said turn off the music and I did.
I listened to the wind, I watched the leaves tumble. I picked up an acorn and inspected it.
I removed my glasses, sometimes the details must be removed to be able to focus.
I listened to the wind.
He spoke to me, we conversed.
I brought my questions and worries, he responded.
Rest in me, I will take care of the rest.
A simple promise.
My God loves me.

Sorrow and Faith

2010-10-20T17:34:00.000-04:00

O Lord, I call to you: Come quickly to me. Hear my voice when I call to you. May my prayer be set before you like incense; may the lifting up of my hands be like the evening sacrifice. Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord; Keep watch over my lips. Let not my heart be drawn to what is evil, to take part in wicked deeds, with men who are evildoers; let me not eat of their delicacies. ... But my eyes are fixed on you, O Sovereign Lord; in you I take refuge - do not give me over to death. Keep me from the snares they have laid for me, from the traps set by evildoers.

Psalm 141:1-4,8,9

In times of sorrow it is easy to blame God and burn with anger at the unfairness of life. Earlier on in life I made an intentional choice to confront sorrow and suffering by turning only to God. To have faith that God would work out the situation only for His glory. If that means I suffer then I suffer. My life is not my own, but is lived in service to God. And so in this hour of sorrow, i do the same. I turn my eyes to God and in Him there is only light and hope. If it be time for my grandma to leave this earth then she will be with the Father and in a much better place than her current one. If it is not her time then I will be joyful in the opportunity to spend more time with this great woman of God.

At all times take a posture of humility and honor to God, in the tough times place yourself in God's hands for he is more than able to comfort and handle your pain.

God's light and love has exuded from my Grandmother. Grandma you are loved.

Who?

2010-09-17T01:17:00.000-04:00

Who will love these wronged souls?
abused
neglected
discarded
rejected

Who will love these misguided youth?
angry
violent
defiant
hurting

Who will love these tormented ones?
marked
confused
embattled
victimized

Who will love these hidden minds?
meloncholic
lonely
misunderstood
unappreciated

Who will love these resilient beings?
searching
desiring
untrusting
hoping

Who will love them and intercede?

If not we, then who?

Will it be you?

He who has ears..

2010-08-24T11:41:00.000-04:00

"He said to them, 'Do you bring in a lamp to put it under a bowl or a bed? Instead, don't you put it on its stand? For whatever is hidden is meant to be disclosed, and whatever is concealed is meant to be brought out into the open. If anyone has ears to hear, let him hear. Consider carefully what you hear.' " Mark 4:21-25

That bit near the end, "If anyone has ears to hear, let him hear." has taken on new meaning to me, I'm sure its not a new revelation to most. Just shows, yet again, that you can read something a million times and get something new every time. Jesus meant this, I think, more than just literally. "If anyone has ears to hear," Jesus seems to be saying if anyone is earnestly listening, searching for deeper meaning, let him listen to what he is saying. Basically, "if you are really truly listening to my message here it is, think about this beyond the words." If you are not looking for anything beyond surface level content you might miss the real and deeper meaning. How often do we glaze over the bible? How often do we truly read it for its content and not as part of our "christian duty", if we read it at all.

Recently I have felt a conviction to live in the joy of my connection with Christ. I hear stories of Christ followers in countries where to follow Christ means persecution and/or death. They have such a passion for the scriptures! If they have a segment of a book of the bible, they cling to it. It is their most precious possession. What amazing passion and devotion! Contrast that to we in the west. More often than not we take the scriptures for granted. Its easy to do that, we aren't truly persecuted, we can walk into Wal-mart, if we wanted, and pick up a copy of the bible as if it were nothing. How can this trivialization of the word of God be acceptable? How passive have we become? This is not say that all Christ followers are like this, I know there are a lot of passionate Christ followers in the west, but i would say the majority of us are not like this.

So this conviction of mine has lead me to the desire to feel that same zeal for scripture and renewed vigor and passion for God's word. I mean think about it!! ITS GOD'S WORDS, to us! If we as Christ followers hold God as the greatest passion and the most important part of our lives, how can we neglect His word? It is through this word that we can know Him more.

The more we know God's word, the better equipped we are to share that knowledge with those around us. Which leads me to the beginning of that verse, the lamp is God's word or the Truth. We being the ones who carry the lamp. It seems Jesus is using a argument based on simple logic here. You wouldn't put a lamp, which is meant to illuminate, under a bowl or under your bed would you? No, because that is an improper and illogical use for a lamp. A lamp is a source of light, just as God's word and Christ through us is meant to be a light to the word. We are Christ's Representatives, sharing The Truth and shining God's light in our dark world.

To shine our light in the dark world doesn't mean we have to go to Africa or to the many Muslim countries of the world; it may mean that if Christ calls you to that but for the rest of us who do not have that calling, our dark world consists of the cities we are in, the neighbourhoods in which we reside, maybe even the houses we live in. You may be the only light in your house.

Shine the light of Christ through righteous living, and honest relationship building and no ulterior motives.
In this time, it is increasingly more important for Christ followers to be secure in their knowledge of scripture and of their relationship with Christ. Our roots must go down deep. The enemies reach is and has been infiltrating churches and belief structures and the, so called, leaders who have been taken in by these lies are leading others, who are essentially sheep, astray with their desire to be politically correct and tolerant. If we have a firm base and deep rootedness in God's truth we will not be taken in with those lies.

Truth to consider: "Listen! A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched and they withered because they had no root. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and chocked the plants, so that they did not bear grain. Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up, grew and produced a crop, multiplying thirty, sixty, or even a hundred times."
Mark 4:3-8

"He who has ears, let him hear."

life

2010-07-16T18:13:00.000-04:00

right now all I feel is sadness and in the presence of frustrations it manifests in anger. I'm saddened by the upcoming move. I'm sad because I'm leaving what has been my home for the last 7 years. All my friends are here, I'm connected here. And yet again i'm am uprooted. While this is a possitive move and I am moving on to higher education and advancement of my career, it doesn't negate the fact that I know virtually no one where I am going. Thank God for facebook. I can only hope and trust that God will have amazing things ahead for me in Ohio. I willingly go but that doesn't mean i doesn't hurt.
a voice not my own whispers hate, whispers lies; it tells me to question and to rage. But I know the truth, I know God is good, always and forever, and He would not lead me across the country if it were not for a grander purpose than I could come up with.
and yet it hurts, I cry, or at least tears well up. its as if my mind won't let me feel unless it is an extreme emotion. I don't want to be emotionally jaded but i don't want to be a blubbering fool either.
o complicated being that i am, God save me from myself.

Before the Throne

2010-06-01T02:36:00.000-04:00

My heart longs for you O God

Ever do I fail to live for you

You remain faithful at all times

I long to rest in your arms

You are strong when my energy is spent

Constantly do I stumble, always do I fall short

You are the light that guides my path

It is you who holds me

It is you who remains steadfast

In you I know who I am and can rest assured that I am Loved

You rescue me from temptaion

If only I would ask

You grant me succor from my tribulation

If only I would seek it

Why, O Why do I do not these things?

O how I lament my failings

O how I regret my willful sins

Your mercy and forgiveness know no bounds

I am in Awe of you, O God

No words have I to describe your Glory

O God, My God, I want to know you

I long for your embrace

I wish to know your heart and seek after your will

I desire for my heart to burn with Passion

For that which you are passionate about

Your Love envelopes me like a warm blanket

Your grace is more than I deserve, Yet you give it freely

You have my Heart and Mind

My Flesh is yours to use

I pledge my all to you My Father

I thank you for your Amazing Grace

I thank you for your Sincere and Unfailing Love

Your blessings are Many and Bountiful

Your blessings are Specific and Useful

May I never squander your Blessings and Gifts

You have Granted me a Vision of my Future

I will do as you have Instructed

Bestow upon me portions of Strength and Fortitude

And I will Succeed

All I am will come to naught without you my Provider

Amen

Grad School Bound

2010-05-10T21:16:00.000-04:00

Well I'm going to be a grad student. Not exactly the way I wanted but I'll take it. I recieved a letter from the school stating that due to the fact that my GPA was to low, I couln't be accepted out right to the Counseling program. But they gave me an alternative option. This option allows me to start full time on Academic Probation in the Diploma of Christian Studies and take 24 credit hours in that course load and then be evaluated. Upon a positive evaluation I would be allowed to enter into the Counseling program I originally wanted to be in. So all I need to do now is inform them that I can do this and i'll be a grad student!! Huzzah!

While this isn't exactly the path I wanted to take, it does have a plus side. I will be taking more bible and theology classes which is never a bad thing. Also given that I see my path being that of a counseling roll in the church and ministering specifically to Church families and Christians, knowing more scripture and church history and having more theological background will be quite beneficial.

God works in mysterious ways, so I can only assume that God has something planned for me in the new direction and as always I just ride that wave.

P.S. - Picture doesn't have anything to do with the blog, I just like it. :p

Obamacare you to the grave

2010-03-25T00:16:00.000-04:00

got this email from my grandmother concerning the Health Care bill that has been passed. It makes me very afraid for the future. It wreaks of Totalitarian government.

Read carefeully about taking monies from your account.

Judge Kithil wrote:

"I have reviewed selected sections of the bill, and find it unbelievable that our congress, led by Speaker Nancy Pelosi, could come up with a bill loaded with so many wrong-headed elemebts. " "Both Republicans and Democrats are equally responsible for the financial mess of both Social Security and Medicare programs."

"I am opposed to HB 3200 for a number of reasons. To start with, it is estimated that a federal bureaucracy of more than 150,000 new employees will be required to administer HB 3200. That is an unacceptable expansion of a government that is already too intrusive in our lives. If we are going to hire 150,000 new employees, let's put them to work protecting our borders, fighting the massive drug problem and putting more law enforcement/firefighters out there."

Judge Kithil continued: "Other problems I have with this bill include:

Page 50/section 152: The bill will provide insurance to all non-US residents, even if they are here illegally.

Page 58 and 59: The government will have real-time access to an individual's bank account and will have the authority to make electronic transfers from those accounts.

Page 65/section 164: The plan will be subsidized(by the government) for all union members, union retirees and for community organizations (such as ACORN)

Page 203/line 14-15: The tax imposed under this section will not be treated as a tax. (How could anybody in their right mind come up with that?)

Page 241 and 253: Doctors will all be paid the same regardless of speciality, and the government will set all doctor's fees.

Page 272/ section 1145: Cancer hospitals will ration care according to the patient's age.

Page 317 and 321: The government will impose a prohibition on hospital expansion; however communities may petition for an exception.

Page 425, line 4-12: The government mandates advance-care planning consultations. Those on Social Security will be required to attend an "end-of-life planning" seminar every five years. (Death Counseling)

Page429, line 13-25: The government will specify which doctors can write an end-of-life order.

HAD ENOUGH??!?!? Judge Kithil then goes on:

Finally, it is specifically stated that this bill will not apply to members of Congress. Members of Congress are already exempt from the Social Security system, and have a well funded private plan that covers their retirement needs. If they were on our Social Security plan, I believe they would find a very quick "fix" to make the plan financially sound for their future."

Honorable David Kithil
Marble Falls, Texas

Pass this on to everyone you know.

Boredom

2010-03-11T03:13:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wish my life were simpler. I was perusing my friend's profiles on facebook and I got this feeling that a lot of what i do is pretentious snobbery. I mean i'm an intelligent person and my mind gravitates toward the smarter more complicated things of life. But it seems kind of pointless. I read these heady books and gleen bits of wisdom from them to be of some use at some point in life or find a nugget of knowledge to the encyclopedia in my brain. But again it just seems pointless.
Often i think of just dropping it all and taking up one of my hobbies as a career choice, which would indeed be so much simpler. I could happily take pictures for magazines or art shows for a long time. Or go to culinary school and become a chef and that would make me happy. But i always have this sensation that while those are fun things to do, its not what I was meant for.
This is not to say that the direction God is taking me is one I am not excited about, because I am. Its just that i see what my life could end up being: a career of helping broken people. listening to problems all the time and giving advice to people who may or may not follow it.
I don't know, i mean at least i'm fairly certain that i know which way i'm going. God could change it at any time but the task seems daunting. And it seems like I dont have the right to complain or express worry because God is in control. I guess its a symptom of the Human condition: the anxiety over loss of control to God. It's like I know all these things in my head and because i know them i can't do anything about it to the contrary and still feel ok with it.

But why do I feel this way? Maybe its because i'm stuck in the monotony of every day life. I'm in that stage of life where nothing is certain and each day is in constant upheval. I'm bored, i think is what it boils down to. Even the uncertainty of my job has become routine. I expect there to be trouble and I expect there to be no trouble, nothing surprises me. I strive for adventure, it is constantly on my mind. I'd like to be in a situation where i'm out of my element. On my days off I don't want to sit at home but i don't know where to go. I want to go on trips but i dont' have the money.
I think some time in the wilderness would be ideal. Just me, some camping equipment, a tent and bible and notebook and a camera (can't go into God's beauty without one). Just bask in the wonder of creation and be alone with God.
I think this vision that God has given me will be a great step toward adventure. It definitely puts me out of my comfort zone and puts me where I am uncomfortable. A place of leadership and healing.
I kind of feel like my life hasn't really started yet. I'm in a waiting pattern and i'm getting restless. A bit of excitement will come here and there to grasp a moment of my attention and then it fades away again. Like i'm missing out on life.
Sometimes its a drag knowing a lot of facts and information because you're never surprised and you always know what to do. Just once i'd like to not know what to do and have to improvise a solution. That would be scary, that would get the adrenaline going, that would be unexpected.

A quadry indeed.

Triumph

2010-03-02T06:09:00.000-05:00

Blood splatter across his back.

Persperation traveling its short journey, stinging open sores.

Contempt and mockery uttered from all around.

Drops of red plunge down to the soil.

A desperate cry

"Eloi...ELOI!... Lama sabachthani?!"

His head slumped, his spirit offered.

A spear thrust, the sign of death discovered, the broken unnecessary.

In Holy of Holies

Divine and created weep for a moment.

The cost of the liberation was successful...but what a price.

Abba turned his face away, for how can one so Holy gaze upon all the evil, depravity, brokenness, pain and sorrow that was bourne on the One.

Abject solitude was felt, the void of divine love is a blow too costly for a mortal.

In the deep places, a cry of reviled celebration erupted from the Father of Lies. The one who would save his hated enemies was dead and could do no more damage.

On the plain, mourning and indifference, joy and suffering. Divided factions observed this day in various ways.

The faithful forgetting the scriptures and mourning the loss of their beloved teacher.

The murderers forgetting the scriptures and celebrating the loss of a terrible nuissance.

A boulder barricaded the body from his people. The foreigners who guarded the body stood at their post.

As was prophesied, on the third day....

The Divine interceded, a creature of glory descended from on high and laid low the foreigners and gently removed the obstacle.

The bearer of all suffering awoke.

He moved his arms and legs. Sat up from the stone, robed in white. He observed the marks on his arms. His silent prayer to his father. He raises his head and the skin around his eyes wrinkles together in formation of the happiness that is evident when a man smiles. The upturning at the edges of the lips, the baring of teeth: the son rejoicing at a job well done.

In the Holy of Holies

Dancing, rejoicing, celebration, jubulation, adoration, joy, laughter.

In the deep places

Confusion, rage, hatred, realization, destruction, loathing.

On the plain

Ignorance at first, realization to follow, disbelief was next, and understanding at last.

The liberation of the mortal had succeeded, the cost was paid.

Death holds nothing over the mortal who abides in the one and only God.

Triumph

Obedience

2010-02-27T04:42:00.001-05:00

So this morning was crazy. I get up and start reading from Romans and i come upon Romans 8:31-39 which talks about how we are more than conquerors in Christ. I read some more and then took a shower. In the shower (awkward i know) God gave me a vision. I saw myself leading this restorative ministry. I saw myself meeting with a few people intially and helping them to understand their identity in Christ and help them understand just how much Christ loves and values them. It started small and then expanded and became this huge ministry. I was writing cirriculum and a book about it. People were asking for all this.
I was freaking out. I didn't know how to respond to all this. My mind was racing. Could it be true? Could this be from God?
The story of Moses kept coming to me, how he wasn't a good speaker and how he came up with all these excuses for why he couldn't do what God called him to do. I can hardly liken myself to Moses but the similarities are uncanny. And in reality, while i'm not setting a nation free from slavery, if it is the Lord's will, i am doing something very similar in that i would be liberating hearts and minds for God's glory and honor.
After having time to digest and process all that i had experienced and thinking back on other hints and clues from the past. This craziness kind of makes sense. I've always had this feeling that I was meant for something great, but being who i am i discount it and brush it away. I dont relish the limelight and even if/when this vision becomes reality all credit will go to God, for I am merely a vessel, a tool for God to use. Also this vision aligns with my calling in life of fortifying and restoring families and youth. Like my father (heavenly and earthly) i have a passion for people and God has seen fit to put us both on a path where i would be using the gifts he has given us to do just that, love people.
I cannot do this on my own. God has put me in such a place that for this to succeed, all i can do is rely on Him. Because without Him this would surely fail. And so all I can do in this case is say, "Lord if this be your will, then let it be so, I'm in." I do not need to fear because God is in control. He is making me strong and courageous for His purposes.
But still, like Moses, it almost seems unreal that God would choose me, who is nothing, to achieve such a goal. But God chooses who He will and all we can do is say, "Here I am Lord, use me."

Innocence

2010-02-21T15:59:00.000-05:00

There is something so refreshing about spending time with young children. They are very accepting and love to have fun. They are innocent and they wear that innocence, albeit subconsciously, on their collective sleeves. I'm very glad I get interact with them every sunday, it is a very welcome break from the damaged youth i work with. They trust you because they haven't been given a reason to not trust and that makes for a more pure relationship. They are in a safe place with safe people and they know it and as a result have lots of fun. This is the way it should always be. Kids are great!

Contemplating Divine Gratitude and Spiritual Identity

2010-02-14T03:38:00.000-05:00

Sometimes i wish that these contemplations would come to me earlier in the day or at a more conventient time when i dont need to be sleeping. But alas it is not so. Last week I requested prayer because I have been struggling at work and have had a heavy feeling of spiritual oppression and melancholy. So God being the amazing and clever being that He is, he met me where I was and gave me words and encouragement through my brothers at my life group. They prayed and I felt relieved. What really stuck out to me was that in one of the prayers, it was said that God wants to thank me for remaining faithful and steadfast in my work. But to hear the words God wants to thank me blew me away. The maker of the heaven and earth, the God who sent his son to die for my sins. The God who doesn't owe me anything and of whom I owe my life thanked me.

To experience the divine gratitude is a curious but wonderful feeling. It draws me closer to God in an intimate and loving way. God knows all that i go through and all that I experience in my inner life (thoughts) and he knew that i needed to hear that what I do matters and to renew my sense of worth in my calling. Because to experience the constant bombardment of all that is contrary to Jesus' spirit and likeness saps the very life from me and enfeebles my soul. I am a spiritually sensitive person and as a result I have to fortify my mind and spirit upon entering my work place. It is so easy to succumb to the desire to berate and chastise the youth at work, they make it very easy to do that. But that would not solve anything and would infact be counter productive. When you are entering into the realm of the broken and bruised souls of the abused and neglected things will get messy. It is, to a large degree, a thankless job and most people dont understand why we bother. If not we few, then who would? These sons and daughters of strife and just as worthy of compassion and love as you and I.

So when I hear "God wants to thank you for your faithfullness and dedication" I am reminded that not only am i not alone when i enter my battle field; i am appreciated and loved. God stands next to me and finds favor with me. I am not even close to perfect but my efforts are noticed and God made sure I knew he saw me.

But in considering why I wonder at the gratitude of Christ, why should i be amazed by this? Why should i be surprised by the thankfulness of God? I do not take this attitude out of pride or self-agrandizement but instead from of a perspective of my position in Christ. I am a child of Christ, God is my father. I would not be shocked by gratitude from my earthly father. Why should my heavenly father be any different.

This comes from a realization of my identity in Christ. Who we are in Christ is who we are meant to be. No other opinion should matter. Granted that is easier said than done but never the less it remains truth. If we can just grasp even a small concept of the depth of God's love for us and His desire to be near us and have us know Him, we would not be the same. We would not be as prone to self loathing and despairing thoughts. To truly understand what words cannot explain. AHH, i feel so limited by language sometimes.

Peace...

The human psyche is a trivial and confounding monster. At times treacherous, at other times accepting and loving, a wonderful and awful conundrum. Attempting to help people understand themselves and God is the tall order I am tasked to fill it seems.

The freedom that is found in Christ is only truly experienced when the one who is being set free understands that the unconditional love of Jesus is given to us through grace. We dont deserve it, its true, but DO NOT STOP THERE!!! So many people hear we aren't deserving of the Divine grace and are laid low by lies and untruths. That is the enemy's greatest weapon: using a fraction of the truth and twisting it into a lie and using the proximity to truth to sway the uniformed or ignorant. The one who is the opposite of darkness loves us each so immensly we cannot fathom the depths of his love. And yet that is not good enough for us. We choose to remain in darkness and self-loathing and self-pity. How Prideful is that?!?!

Take this image: God reaching out his hand, asking you to take hold and enter into his loving embrace and you batting his hand away and saying "my problems are to great, you cant possibly imagine what i'm going through." That statement is also a lie you've believed.

HE IS GOD!! HE KNOWS AND HAS FELT EVERYTHING ANYONE HAS EVER FELT OR EXPERIENCED!!

He did all this on the Cross in the being of Jesus Christ. He felt all our pain, all our suffering, all our heart ache, all our loneliness, all our emptiness, everything when he bore our sin on the Cross. And to top it all He died for us. How can it be said that God is not a loving God when he sent a part of himself to die for us mortals? That is the ultimate expression of love and faithfullness. How can we possibly reject God's love when He has done all this for us?

So this heavenly Father who sacrificed so much chooses to express his own feelings toward his creation. In my case he chose to thank me, that is no small thing but neither is it surprising. Its a divine "attaboy!" from my Father above. It is received in humility and thankfulness of my own.

Examine your relationship to the Divine Father. How do you veiw yourself in realtion to God? What do you feel for Him? He is always there and is always wanting a deeper relationship with you. Will you reject him? Or will you take his hand and accept his embrace? Even those who are more spiritually mature need a fatherly embrace and a quiet encouragement, we're all human.

On the weariness of the soul

2010-02-07T23:50:00.000-05:00

Where to begin. 2010 is only 2 months old and i am tired. Tired emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. The last few weeks at work have been just horrible: i've been bitten by a client and it and the surrounding events have shaken my feeling of safety at work. The kids have been horrible, constantly running away, constantly fighting, constantly ignoring everything we try to do. Then just yesterday i had to go after two guys who ran from their house and one of them wanted to kill himself so he stood in the middle of the road and I had to pull him off the road before a car hit him. Not to mention all the staff issues that are going on. One is blowing up and yelling at kids and nearly quit on me on friday. One that is hardly there because she is tired of dealing with the kids and they are the leader of the house. Another who is quitting to go back to school.

I feel almost abandoned. Like i'm the only who maintains and comes to work everyday, like actually is there in all aspects of my being. And I just want to give up. How can I make a difference in young people's lives when A: they don't care and there is nothing i can do enable them to care and B: I am weary and those around me are faltering more than I am. There doesn't seem to be any resolution to our problems.
It seems a sense of melancholy has come over me. I wouldn't go as far as to say a depression, mainly because it hasn't been present long enough just warrant that title. I don't feel like the same man I was last year. I feel more serious and more withdrawn than normal. I laugh and make jokes but then when i'm alone i go back to my melancholy. I sigh more heavily and frown more.
I pray for peace at work and get chaos. Some relief would be nice. I only hope I get into Grad school soon, if not that then a different job that pays the same or more. I don't know how much more stress and oppressive negativity i can handle.

Theology at 3am Part 1

2010-02-01T06:11:00.000-05:00

Today at church God spoke some words to me. He said "Set Apart". Very concise and straight to the point. We as Christians need to be living lives that are set apart for God. In considering this, I wondered what would that life look like? If you look at the scriptures and if you know any church history you will see and read that Christians are not supposed to look like the rest of the human population. Now that doesn't mean physically look different, but spiritually and how we interact with the world has to look different. Different but authentic. No one wants an attractive faker. I think people would much rather see a real person who is flawed but honest about it and is honestly striving for an authentic life connected to God. That has a certain attraction to it.

The word of God is a curious thing. It is so because in a lot of ways it is counter-intuitive to modern thinking. In a society that says take all you can for yourself. Do what feels right. Whatever you want to believe is ok so long as you dont impose those beliefs on me. Post-modern cultural and moral relativism. These terms are what dominate our current world view. As a culture we have taken tolerance to a new low. Tolerance is acknowledging that others have differing beliefs and accepting them for that and not hating or discriminating against them. Tolerance today means we accept everything and anything and it is right, regardless of what it is. Anything can be truth because everyone is right because we dont want to be intolerant of their beliefs. That statement is so full of illogical holes its a wonder it is even accepted. Everything cannot be truth because inevitably you will come upon two conflicting ideas or perspectives and they both cannot be right.

So to follow Christ who taught his followers humility and others first mentality would look weird. People would ask questions and questions are what we are looking for and should be prepared for. But before we can effectively answer those questions we need to know what we believe and how we are supposed to live.

God has called us to a higher way of life. We are to be set apart from our culture. The Apostle Paul spent most of his time and energy teaching the early christian churches the way to right Godly living. If you but read the epistles(letters) to the churches it is all right there. Here are a few examples I found from a quick search of my own:

Ephesians 4:1-7,14-19

"As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have recieved. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit- just as you were called to one hope when you were called- one Lord, one Faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it. ...Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. Instead speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part works. So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more."

The bolded statement i think is central to this message in that we are to stop living like those not centered in Christ do. This is also probably the hardest thing to do because the way they live is very appealing. It takes effort to live for Christ. To live as Christ commands will more than likely cause others to scoff and laugh at you. It may even come from others who profess to be Christians as well. But do not let that trouble you.

James 1:2-5 states "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perserverance. Perserverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

But how do we differentiate ourselves from the world? What can we do to be different? Look at the verses from Ephesians 4 again. It points out humility, gentleness, patience and love. I'm sure you've heard of the fruit of the spirit found in Galatians 5:22-26:

"But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law. htose who belong to Christ Jesus ahve crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other."

The fruit of the spirit are those characteristics that we would be exuding if we were living for Christ. Imagine if we all lived this way. Everyone loving each other and experiencing such Joy because of the kindness, goodness and faithfulness of the other believers who with genteness in dealing with others and a self-control born of a strong connection with the Holy Spirit; live in community with each other.

This is the perfect picture of a community of believers living authentic lives for Christ that would be so attractive and curious to those on the outside looking in that they couldn't help but try and find out what the heck is going on with these people that they are so happy in this crazy world.

Here again Paul throws out an example of Jesus' own life to be used as the ultimate example,

Philippians 2:3-16

" Do nothing out of selfish ambition of vain conceit, but in humility considering others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death- even death on a cross! Therefor God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed- not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence-continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life..."

It boils down to living in the example of Jesus Christ. Read about his life and go and live as he lived. If there is one person we should have as a role model or that we model our lives in is Jesus.

If anyone reads this and cares about what i've written; go and do some searching of your own. Where is your relationship with God? How have you been living? Would anyone know you are a follower of Christ by the way you live? Talk to God and read His book, you can't go wrong.

I will pick this up again at a later date, probably tomorrow...

Our God Reigns

2010-01-19T15:38:00.000-05:00

Our God Reigns

40 Million babies lost to God's great orphanage,
It's a modern day genocide and a modern day disgrace
If this is a human right then why aren't we free?
The only freedom we have is in a man nailed to a tree.

100 million faces, staring at the sky,
Wondering if this HIV will ever pass them by.
The devil stole the rain and hope trickles down the plug,
But still my Chinese take away could pay for someone's drugs.

Our God reigns, Our God reigns,
Forever your kingdom reigns.

The west has found a gun and it's loaded with 'unsure'
Nip and tuck if you have the bucks in a race to find a cure.
Psalm one hundred and thirty nine is the conscience to our selfish crime,
God diddn't screw up when he made you,
He's the father who loves to parade you.

Our God reigns, Our God reigns,
Forever your kingdom reigns.

Our God reigns, Our God reigns,
Forever your kingdom reigns.

Yes he riegns, yes you reign, yes you reign,
For there is only one true God,
But we've lost the reins on this world,
Forgive us all, forgive us please,
As we fight for this broken world on our knees.

Written by Delirious? Copyright 2005 Curious? Music UK

The song referenced Psalm 139, I have written it here:

"1O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. 2You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. 3You discen my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. 4Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. 5You hem me in-behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. 6Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
7Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? 8If I go up into the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. 9If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, 10even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. 11If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me." 12even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
13For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother's womb. 14I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in teh depths of the earth, 16your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
17How precious to me are you thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! 18Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.
19If only you would slay the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men! 20They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name. 21Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord, and abhor those who rise up against you? 22I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies.
23Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

Futures

2010-01-17T19:18:00.000-05:00

I was driving home from church this morning and i had a scene pop into my head kind of out of no where. I saw myself wrestling with my very young son who had to be like 6 or 7 years old. I do not currently have any children so this made me smile. We finished wrestling and we were laughing and he was laying on my chest and i looked at him and said I am so proud of you, I love you so much, you are a man of God. This image made me smile to myself because it kind of came from out of no where, either that or God was telling me something about my future. Im hoping for the second option. He knows my heart and my desires. So yeah, i think it was just another small blessing from the Father of all Fathers.

Heartbreak

2010-01-12T13:39:00.000-05:00

The boy sat in the bathroom. The door was locked and he was safe...for now. He could hear the sound of skin being struck and the muffled sound of his father's pleasured moans that followed. It made him shudder. Somewhere his mother was on the floor with another new bruise on her beautiful face and a lie to make up. He heard the sounds of angry footsteps and the swish of a half empty whiskey bottle. He quickly got up and sat on the toilet. Violent banging on the door. "Get the F**K out of there boy! You're not the only G*dD**m person in this motherf***ing house!!" "So help me G*d if you aren't out in 5 G*dD**m seconds I'll give you the F***ing beating of a life time." The threats and explitives continued for some minutes and then the man who should have been his father eventually stopped threatening through the door and went downstairs and relieved himself in the bushes beside the house.

The boy opened the door a crack and heard the jingle of keys and the slam of the door. The cough and rumble of their jeep coming to life and the sound of the squeeky breaks as he stopped at the edge of the driveway and then the sound of the jeep fading in the distance. The boy came out of the bathroom. He stood staring at the floor in the hallway for what seemed like an eternity. He walked to his mother's bedroom. He peered in the door. He saw his mother lying on the floor curled in on herself weeping heavily but silently as always. Her dress had been torn off and the boy could see that his beautiful mother had been raped again by that man who should have been his father but could never be.

He walked back to his room and shut the door. I twinge of guilt washed over him, maybe if he hadn't been in the bathroom this might not have happened. He fell silently onto his bed, slowly removed his shoes, and with great effort pulled the blankets over his shoulders and drifted off into tormented escape.

The boy's eyes shot open wide, the door was open. He looked up and saw the man who should have been his father but would never be looming over him. A large fist came down on his face. "Hide from me now will you, you F**king B******d!" Another blow came to the side of his head. The boy suddenly felt like he was outside himself, as if he was watching all that was happening to him. He screamed a silent deafening scream. He watched in horror as the man who would never ever ever ever be his father loosen his belt, unzip his jeans, pull down his underwear, and pull out the cause of the most severe pain his little body had ever experienced. The boy wept bitterly for himself as the man who should never have been his father violated him over and over and over. The boy smelled the acrid stench of alcohol and cigarettes and heard the muffled echoing sound heavy breathing and the angry words of, "Quit F**king crying you little, B*tch".

After a time the boy felt the man remove himself from the his body. He could feel a trickle of blood and a throbbing pain. The boy didn't move, he didn't dare to move, that might renew his father's "passions". He saw the door to his room slowly close until a sliver of light from the hallway remained. The pain advanced and the boy wept silently and bitterly in his room curled into himself. He heard the sound of the man who would never be his father drop down onto the couch and open a beer and turn on the television.

He silently crept into the bathroom: his castle, his fortress of protection, his safety, his shield against evil. He picked up a cloth and got it wet and slowly and gingerly cleansed his throbbing wound. He stared blankly into the mirror. Red puffy eyes, tear streaks, a new bruise on his cheek and jaw, fat bleeding lip, and tussled hair stared back at him. A boy of eleven, forever changed.

Year in Review

2009-12-31T02:25:00.000-05:00

2009 is almost over. 2010 brings new mysteries and adventures. God has been bringing through quite the journey and as much as i like to think i'm in control, i'm about as in control as a blind man walking in a pitch black room. I enter this new year with not a little bit of trepidation. I feel this way because its a brand new year and what lies before me is an increase in knowledge garnered from a school of higher learning, but there are so many variables on my journey there that i don't know what will happen. Granted i'm not that worried because that would imply that i dont trust God to do what is right and beneficial for me and yet, at risk of sounding like a broken record, i hate the unknown. Aside from my impending journey to Graduate school, i look toward finding a different job as my current one has become redundant and tiresome.

It also seems that my interests are focusing more and more on issues of christian living and i think more about how the church has become tired and doesn't seem to know who it is anymore. Case in point i'm endeavouring to write a book about youth culture and how they have been brushed aside for so long. But i also want to explore themes of death and dying and how american culture seems to be so insulated from the reality of death. Also the subject of self worth and if people truly understood their relationship to God and how He feels about them it would be so liberating. A lot of people live with unneccesary shame and shallow self image. Its amazing how people hear the truth of God's love for them but dont understand its implications. How can you possibly feel that you are worthless or unworthy of love if the Creator of the world chose you out of inflinite possibilites, you were a result. You are a product of God's overwhelming love and creative joy. It blows my mind to even think abuot it. Left to ourselves we are unworthy, but because God because of the Loving sacrifice of abundant Grace we can be called sons and daughters of God. Just a great message. As time goes by I am more and more convinced of my role in life as an encourager and teacher and all this for the glory of God and the advancment of His kingdom.

2010 maybe unknown and a little intimidating but I know God will guide me through and all will work out fine.

My soul is lifted High unto the Lord and He is restoring me.

2009-05-27T19:44:00.001-04:00

Psalm 51:1-12,17
"Have Mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. Against you, only you, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge.Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me. Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and i will be whiter than snow.Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice.Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity.
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take you Holy Spirit from me. RESTORE TO ME THE JOY OF YOUR SALVATION, and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.
The Sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."

Recently God has been giving me this constant message: "Less of you, More of Me". Simple but so complicated. I am in a place of brokenness and God is slowly putting the peices back together. He has broken my life and the peices of me are being replaced with peices of Him. What a wonderful savior, compassionate Father.

I was looking through the Psalms for a verse or nugget of encouragement to send to a freind of mine is also in a difficult place in her life and i came accross the Psalm above. And it had an impact on me as well because when i read verse 12 "Restore to me the Joy of your salvation" it hit me. I have lost the initial Joy and bliss of knowing that my Father loves and has chosen me before the creation of time to spend forever in His presence and to dwell in His love. How amazing is that? It is beyond comprehension, and i had forgotten this. I had let it go by the wayside caught up my own skin. I should get that Tattooed on me somewhere, "RESTORE TO ME THE JOY OF YOUR SALVATION!!" It is beyond explination. The remainder of the Pslam is equally great, but that section in particular stood out to me. (thank you God for your small mercies and constant and subtle reminders) At church we have been going through Acts and we are talking about Devotion to God and this is a great step in that path of being devoted to God; leaving behind what is not of Him and being restored in His power and Mercy and taking on what is Him and what he wants us to be.

desperate prayer

2009-05-12T03:49:00.000-04:00

God,

you see me, you know me, you love me, more than i deserve.

help.

i need so much help.

I have to let go of this control and this pride. I have to let you take control of my life. I know i need to do this but i'm afraid.

Afraid because i have been in control and caring for myself my whole life because no one else did. So i'm afraid that if i relinquish this everything will fall apart. i already have so little.

I want to be a priority for someone, i want to be loved, i want meaningful relationships. but i dont have these things, at least not as many as i would like.

I cant do this on my own. Life is to difficult and depressing and stressful to go at it alone. Being alone weighs heavily on my heart. I cant keep dealing with the issues and pain of others if i have to be alone.

I wont last, I will fail.

I need you're strength, you're abundant love, you're patience, you're heart. I need everything you can offer me. I'm weak, i'm nothing.

Come take control. Fill my life, bring your spirit and fill my heart. Renew my mind, i want to think about things that matter to you. I want to feel the things that matter to you. I want to feel sad about what makes you sad. i want to rejoice in the things that make you happy.

In this process we call life, guide my thoughts and my actions. That everything i do would be for your glory.

Thank you so much.

Ordinary People

2009-01-23T04:35:00.000-05:00

"There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations - these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit - immortal horrors or everlasting splendours." (pg 46)
- CS Lewis in The Weight of Glory

"If God is satisfied with the work, the work nay be satisfied with itself." (pg 38).

- CS Lewis in The Weight of Glory

love in the audible void

2008-06-16T15:08:00.001-04:00

One does not realize the beauty of silence until their world becomes a cacaphony of pointless sound. This reality has struck me recently and sometimes I do crave a moment of peace with no sound. Silence allows me to calm down and destress. I can organize my thoughts better and be better able to make sense of what is going on.

In this book i'm reading I read this quote that correlates with this concept of slowing down and silence, because you pretty much have to slow yourself down to hear the silence.

"Americans are always living in the future and even when we can slow down and relax we don't shift out of high speed. He teaches the present is the present and that if you live in the moment there is no stress. We can't do it all the time, but we can time-shift into a more pace some of the time." Mary Pipher quoting Stephen Rechtshaffen

I agree in part with this statement, i hear it all the time that people who go on vacation come back more exhausted then when they left. they didn't relax on what was supposed to be a relaxing vacation. I hear all to often, "I need a vacation from my vacation." Why is it that we can't turn off or gear down when we need it the most? Why do we feel that we have to be so busy that we can't take some time and just do nothing? No one answer will suffice for these questions. Obviously some people have jobs that demand a lot of their time; others have children which require constant attention; the reasons are there but i think part of the reason is that we are scared of what we will think of. We are afraid what thoughts we will think of that we had been trying to hide or avoid. Whatever those may be will obviously vary per person. It might be the loss of a loved one whose memory is to painful to recall, or it may be a barrage of faults that come at us when we sit at home with a moment between busyness. It may be that still small voice convicting us, telling us what we already know but have been avoiding.

In 1Kings 19 it says "The LORD said, 'Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by.' Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.'

Even through an earthquake, a fire, and a great wind; all really loud and distracting sounds and events, it was in the whisper that Elijah heard God's voice. So when our lives get to busy with work and with family and with any other activities that we put in our lives to keep us busy we often don't hear God trying to talk to us. I'm not saying family and work and activities are bad or should be done away with because they are good to have and family above the rest is a blessing from God. But it is important that we take time away from everything to listen for the still small voice. It may not be audible but it is there. God's ways are not predictable. It helps if we are being intentional in our listening and put aside time that is only for God. Its hard to do sometimes but it is can be done.

-RC

Photography

2008-05-27T15:51:00.001-04:00

All my photography will now be posted at flickr.com. Go to http://www.flickr.com/photos/rcrundwell.

Passion

2008-05-18T06:21:00.000-04:00

I had a tense few hours at work yesterday. We had gone on a nice house outing to Burney Falls so it was a easy hike but it was a pretty hot day and me like an idiot became dehydrated and so i had a nasty headache when we got back to the house. One of the girls had been having some issues with a peer of hers at school and she had gotten herself worked up about it and so she was threatening to kill her and to injure anyone who got in her way. So I was sitting at her door to make sure she didn't leave her room and to try and see what was bothering her and to try and calm her down. So here i am with a nasty headache try to be a good listener and trying to help this girl to start thinking straight. With the help of another staff we managed to get her to settle down some and to get her thinking about how she was behaving. The other staff went away and so i started talking to her. I'm not trying to pat myself on the back here but i just thank God for the ability he gave me at that time to level with this kid and help her to understand her behavior and the feelings she is feeling. i know a lot of people would have just given up on her which is the case with a lot of today's youth. People just don't seem to think that its worth the effort to try and push through the tough exterior to try and see the adolescent for who they are and really want to show. You just have to be found trustworthy enough for them to open up.

So after some talking back and forth about how she has responded in other situations and what kinds of things she can do better she started laughing about stuff. I like to mix a bit of humor into almost every situation, where appropriate of course, because its helps to lighten the mood and helps people to calm down. And after she decided that she wanted to start complying i sat back and reflected on the evening's events and all i could say is "Thank you God". Not that the situation descalated, although i was happy for that, but thanks that i had the opportunity to make a difference in this kids life. Thanks that i have this ability, that still needs work, to talk in such a way that both makes sense and is on a level where it doesn't sound like i'm trying to Lord over them but that i am telling them something important that they should choose to listen to. I am very glad for the attributes of my personality that God has given me such as mercy. I have a heart for the broken. Not that i want save the whole world, because i alone cannot do that, but i can affect a small piece of it and that makes a big difference.

So while working with beligerant and defiant kids does not garner a great deal of praise in the public eye it yields great rewards within yourself. I feel good, albeit tired, at the end ofthe day because i know that i played a part in restoring a person's health and spirit. That person may never change their ways but while they were with me and people like me, they experienced love and companionship that showed them that not everyone in their life will turn their backs on them.

Cowardly Christian?

2008-04-24T05:36:00.000-04:00

I was listening to a song by Flyleaf called Cassie. I assume it was written based on what Cassie Bernal (spelling?) did at Columbine. She stood up for her Faith in the face of death and died for it. While our culture is not one that promotes overt persecution of those that follow Christ, the day may come where to say one is a Christ Follower means death.

I have thought about what i would do. It is easy to say, here and now, i would not reject God in the face of death. But then, i'm not standing before a gun and being asked that question. I think i'd be strong and no matter what was threatened i would remain steadfast and not deny my Savior. I've gone over various scenarios in my head and the implications of my answer are important.

I think this is an important question because not only does it pertain to what one would do in the face of death but it makes the individual think about how they view their relationship with God. Think about it, if you really loved God and were doing your best to live by His standards, you'd want to serve Him even if it meant death. But if your relationship consists of some prayer you prayed a while ago that doesn't really mean anything now and you are just kind of going through the motions, that person doesn't really have much incentive to maintain their integrity in this fashion. Now those are the extremes and i'm sure i could go into hundreds of situations that would all be equally difficult to deal with, but I'll leave that to you.

How important is God to you? Will you live for Him? Would you die for Him?

But thats Jesus you're talking about!

2008-04-23T12:25:00.000-04:00

So here is an interesting topic that continually seems to cause Christians to come off looking like idiots: Response to an event that could potentially be useful for showing Christ to people who wouldn't normally see Him. Most recently, on national television no less, the American Idol stars sang Shout to the Lord at the end of their fundraiser. From what i gather it was received with mixed feelings from the christian audience. I know others have blogged about this with way more aplomb but here is my two cents.
My intial reaction was one of shock and confusion. Why would a show that has nothing to do with God and whose focus is to glorify the self for entertainment purposes want to sing a song that was designed to glorify God? But after my initial reaction i thought about it and i was ok with it. I mean hey, as they say in marketing (i think), any publicity is good publicity.
What does this event tell us? A: Someone in the upper echelons of American Idol could be a Christian or just really liked that song and B: Jesus was praised before Millions of people. How can that be bad? They may not have known exactly what they were singing but still, they sang the song well and a message, regardless of intent, was spoken.
So on a larger scale, when something comes along that has, and i'm gonna use some christinese here, "Kingdom purposes"; lets try not to shoot it down under the pretenses of "thats an abomination to Christ" or that "they are doing it wrong, it should be this way". Sometimes you need to take it in stride and pull from it, whatever it may be, a message or a purpose that other jump over in their self-righteous rampage.
I, like others i know, like to find Christ in pop culture. He shows in various places such as movies or music. Sometimes its subtle sometimes its blatant. But its exciting to find something that people enjoy listening to or watching and, if the situation allows for it, pointing and saying, "Hey, that right there, yeah, thats part of who God is. He's great you should know Him."

negativity

2008-01-18T02:26:00.000-05:00

I was just talking to a coworker today and she asked a question: "why is it so much easier to focus on the negative?" This got me thinking. Why is it so much easier to focus our attention on the negavitity in our lives. Another question: do we really focus on the negative or is it more circumstantial?

For the most part i am a pretty happy guy. So when negative things happen i try not to let it bother me. But sometimes the negative thing is overwhelming and it consumes your thoughts and affects your emotions and your ability to think. So i guess in that way when a problem or something negative comes along that you find to be overwhelming it starts to consume your thoughts and that is all you think about. Because it seems to be an insurmountable obstacle. You can't see around it or over it. I have to force myself to stop and bring myself back to reality. Things will get better, they just suck right now. Is what i tell myself. I guess this would work depending on the gravity of the problem or negativity.

I think that another option is that it is so easy to take the good and happy times for granted. When things are good we dont' think about it. Its normal. Homeostasis is reached. And when the negativity or problem arrises it throws off the homeostasis and we focus on the problem because its not normal its not part of our normal life.

Just another thought...

Its worth the effort

2008-01-14T14:44:00.000-05:00

So i had an interesting conversation today. I spoke with the father of a friend of mine as he gave me a ride back to my place. I had told him that i was going into Marriage and Family Counseling in the future and he said something very interesting. He said he didn't know where the person who said marriage is a 50/50 effort kind of thing was coming from. At first i was a little apprehensive because that is true. Both parties need to put equal amounts of effort into the relationship for it work and both parties are happy. But then he went on to say that a marriage is 99/99 and for my purposes 100/100. This is a way better example. It means that both parties are putting equal effort AND they are putting all their effort into the relationship not just some of it. It was like an epiphany. lighting struck my brain. (sorry, little "Hook" reference there ha ha)

This is such an important truth. If no one is putting any effort or half-assing their relationship, what is the point? If one is not completely committed why are they in a relationship? Sure sex is great but that is not by any means a valid reason to be with someone, at least in my opinion. There is so much more to a person than just their body. Sadly in this era of instant gratification no one seems to care about that. We just want what is fun and pleasing and we want it now and if we don't get it, we move on to the next fun and exciting thing without a second thought.

I mean not that many people stop to think about what God wants, but this is not how things were meant to be. I mean there is a reason divorce was supposed to be a last resort instead of a quick and easy out. There is a reason so many people are hurting, whether its on the outside or covered up and festering on the inside. People are looking for love and finding what looks like love but is only a mirage that disipates at the worst moment. this leaves them empty and longing for real love. God's love is Love the real love The kind of love that never goes away. Read 1 Corinthians 13 that is the kind of love we need. That is the kind of love that God gives and more. Undeserved Love. We don't deserve it but He loves us anyway.

How awesome do you think it would feel to not only know that God loves you but KNOW that God loves you. To feel it in your heart. To know it in your head is one thing, sure i know God loves me. the bible tells me that, preachers tell me that. But i KNOW God loves me because i have felt it and i have seen it.

My life is far from perfect, i'll be the first to admit that. But because God loves me i can love Him. He made the first move. i've failed Him time and again and He remains the same, never failing me. How can i go on not loving Him when He has done so much for me? What kind of person would i be? I'd be a fool. God has opened Himself up to be hurt by the whole world. He gave us a choice: "love me or don't" simple choice isn't it. But its not so simple when you really look at it. If you choose to love Him, your life may not get any easier. You might have a crappy life. You could die because of your love for Him. that is a reality maybe not in this country but certainly in others. But not to be a downer on the whole thing, you can also have a good and fullfiling life. Plus you can live with the knowledge that the greatest being ever loves you and wants to have a relationship with you and get to know you because HE CARES!

Lets look at the other side, if you reject Him, you can do whatever you want and not have to worry about the guilt. You can have all the fun earth can offer you, but heaven won't be waiting for you. You pass up everlasting happiness for temporary pleasure. Does that make sense? Really? doesn't make sense to me. And conversely you get to live with the knowledge that there might be some great being out there who might be able to give you what you are looking for but you are to prideful to find out. So you'd rather risk eternal damnation then see what this God might have for you. You are having to much fun to think about your future.

Or maybe you don't care either way. There could be a God but who cares. If there was one why would the world be such a terrible place with wars and murders and rapes and negativity everywhere you look. Well first of all, Cheer up, life isnt all bad. Second the world sucks becuase we made it that way. This wasn't God's fault. Like i said God gave us a choice and for the most part we chose to reject him and do our own thing. You ask "How could God let this happen?" would you want a God who made you do everything He wanted? Would you want to have no say in what you do or who you became? No of course not. The price of autonomy is we have to live with our own consequences. Wait what? We actually have to own up to our mistakes??? Get out! Instead of finding an external source to blame for you crap, try looking inward sometimes. God didn't make your life what it is. It is a result of generation upon generation of people rejecting God.

Not being one to want to end on a negative tone; The amazing thing about God is that despite all that He will accept you back. If you choose to reject Him, just utterly and in all ways reject Him. If you humble yourself and decide life apart from God is not waht you want, he will receive you with open arms. You will have to live with whatever consequences you have accrued in your life but at least you will know that God will be there to help you through it. And i cannot tell you what a wonderful thing that is. Everyone else may abandon you but God will always be there. You may not be able to hear him sometimes but He is there. He promises to never leave us nor forsake us. That means if you stick with Him, He will stick with you. he won't backstab or reject you. He won't gossip about you behind your back. He won't insult you, abuse you, or hurt you. He will love you and help you. Sometimes you will not understand His motives, your live might suck for a while but God never does anything that will harm you. He motives are perfect and designed to make you a better, wiser and stronger person. But in the end its up to you. Its your choice.

Just a little something to think about.

A Father's Wisdom

2007-11-04T02:04:00.000-05:00

Sorry, i thought that that was a clever blog title, because it goes for both my earthly father and my heavenly father.

I never really thought to read the old testament for anything other than history and few wise words in proverbs and psalms, but there is so much more to the OT once you really delve into it.

I was having a really rough time a few weeks ago, i had been denied a job and had experienced my first anxiety attack (not fun) which is a big deal to me because i never get really anxious and i never really experience a negative emotion/feeling strong enough to elicit such a strong physiological response. So after talking to my Dad after not getting the job and the anxiety attack. He called me the next morning and gave me this scripture as a encouragement to me.

Zephaniah 3:17

"The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."

So this was a double blessing for me because it told me of God's enduring faithfulness toward me, his power over every situation, and of His love. I love the section that says "He will quiet you with His love"; God's love calming the spirit, dissipating anxiety, soothing an anxious heart. Bringing you to peace. Oh to have that kind of ability, that would be incredible. It also told me of my own earthly father's sensitivity to the word and the ability to give the right words that i needed to hear.

I love these kinds of verses. It displays a few of God's many qualities in a very short and succinct way.

Lets break it down. First the verse says God is with you. That is pretty simple and doesn't require a whole lot analysis. God is with you. Period. He is always with you even when you don't feel it or want it. This is very comforting and on the other hand very scary for those who don't believe in God. Hell is the eternal separation from God. when you die, you live in a place where God is not. How terrifying would that be? Think of a place where there is no goodness and no hope for goodness. There is no hope for alleviation from pain and suffering, there is nothing to live for and you cannot escape it. You can want to kill yourself but you can't. You are stuck in the worst kind of Hell there is. Well, you will be in Hell, so i just described my view of Hell for you. That is about the worst thing i could think of.
I think CS Lewis's book The Great Divorce gives a great depiction of Hell could be like, even though he doesn't explicitly call the "grey world" hell, that's what it sounds like to me. All the people that have died are sent to the "grey world" and nobody gets along and so every builds for themselves a house but can't stand the neighbours so they build a home farther away until they are alone in their misery. They have no purpose, they simply are and are in a place that is bleak and pointless and virtually inescapable unless they choose to get on the bus to the world of color. So i guess its more a depiction of purgatory but still.

The next section: He is mighty to save, also pretty self explanatory. He is mighty to save, He has the power. ha ha, i recently watched the He-Man live action movie with Dolf Lundgren. Terrible movie, acting was terrible and it wasn't very well organized. He-Man's famous saying is "I have the power" while he raises his sword and is transformed into the unstoppable fighting force to destroy Skeletor. While He-Man is hardly comparable to God, God has the power. He has the power to do anything. You name it, He can do it so long as it doesn't contradict His nature. Like God can't sin. That should be obvious. He is the epitome of all that is good and right. To sin would be everything He is not.

The next section: He will delight in you. God likes you. At least most of the time He likes you. He always loves you, but you know, we mess up and then God isn't so happy. But God delights in us. He is happy to be with us and communicate with us and just spend time with us. Just like a parent delights in their child, they created this wonderfully intricate thing and they want nothing more than to get to know it and love it and see it prosper. The perpetuation of life is a wonderful thing. We are God's children, He as much a hand in our creation and development as our parents do, just in a more subtle and long term way. He also wants nothing more than to see us live prosperous and full lives and while He already knows us better than we know ourselves, he wants to be intimate with us, to tell Him our troubles, our dreams, our issues, whatever. He also wants us to know Him more intimately. To know Him in more depth and with more maturity.

The next section: I kind of covered it a little bit early but He will He will quiet you with His love. Just think about that statement. He will quiet you with His love. I think that this is awesome. Whatever our trouble or problem or difficulty, God can give you peace to make it through. This is also a complicated concept, when you go through a rough time, God may be allowing this to teach you something. God never does anything that doesn't have a purpose. I can't pretend to know what the purpose of anything is. That only really becomes apparent when you go through it and are insightful enough to reflect upon the experience. But while you are in this tough time, God is always there. He is always listening and ready to catch you if you fall.

And the final section: He will rejoice over you with singing. God loves us and takes joy in us. He made us and He made something great. While we don't always hit the mark, God is always forgiving and loving. He likes to celebrate with us when we do something right. I don't have any proof of this but i think God probably nudges the nearest angel and says, "see that one there, yeah the one with the weird hair cut, ha ha, i made him. I love him so much. He's strange and wonderful but that just makes him who he is. Isn't he great?" God is proud of us when we do right and is disappointed in us when we do wrong. God is just as complicated as we are when it comes to emotions and feelings. While his emotions and feelings are perfect and good, ours are a reflection of His to a lesser level and not perfect. We are made in His image and so we have some of his traits.

well that's my break down of Zephaniah 3:17. I really like this verse, it has been a source of encouragement and strength for me.

Help!!

2007-11-02T04:19:00.000-04:00

Oh God help!!!

I need you Lord. You know my needs. I guess since i don't want to burden others with my needs and complaints, i can always talk to you.

I know in the grand scheme of things my complaints are minimal and selfish. But this concerns my livelihood. I need money lord it seems like so much but it isn't. yet for someone like me and the people i am related to it is a large amount of money. I know you can provide. Yet its your will i must obey. I know that you know what is best and that in all things you will be faithful. I love you for that.

Yet i'm frustrated, not because of you, its not your fault. I'm frustrated that i can't get enough money to make rent, to pay a cellphone bill, to buy food even. I feel like a failure. As soon as i get out on my own, things just go wrong. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't even know if the direction i was heading is the right direction anymore. I hate that i feel so uncomfortable at home, that i'm afraid to talk to my roommates because i'm so ashamed that i can't make $300 to chip into rent. And this effects their livelihood as well. If i can't make rent, they might be out a place to live as well. So not only am i letting myself down, i'm letting them down.

At the same time i have such great friends and roommates. i love hanging out with them and i hope they like hanging out with me. So i'm not entirely hopeless. what i don't have in money i make up for in friends.

Well i guess thats about all i have to say for now. i love you Father.

faith is so hard to have when things aren't going well. help me to be at peace with whatever happens. I hope things work out well for me. i need your strength Lord, i don't feel able to do anything on my own, i just seem to mess up and make the wrong decisions.

you are awesome Lord, i don't deserve anything yet you provide. its more than i can understand. you amaze me constantly. words really cannot describe the depths of your love.

thank you so very much.

Worth a Thousand Words

2007-10-26T22:18:00.000-04:00

Some friends and I were at the coast on a cold, cloud-covered day and we just happen to be there at the sametime as this family and so I snapped a few shots of the father and son enjoying the beach together.

I especially like this shot because of the closeness. The child knows that he is safe with his father and that he would scooped up by his father's strong arms at the first sign of danger. So the child enjoys dipping his feet into the waves that lap against the shore.

I like this one because it kind of shows a small child compared to the vastness of the ocean. While the child is the main focus of the shot, his smallness is emphasized by the ocean and how it dominates the rest of the picture. Yet there is no threat to the child, which gives this picture a calming, peacful effect.

Selfish or self thinking, whichever works best.

2007-10-25T05:44:00.000-04:00

I just saw a quote on a friends facebook page and it got me thinking about a previous discussion i had had in a class a while ago.

Is it possible to be not selfish or not think of ones self?

Just think about it. Is it possible for me to to not think of myself? Yes it is possible to think of others and want to do things for others, thats not what i'm getting at. Maybe selfish isn't the right word, i can't think of a better word right now so i'll just go with selfish.

I have to think of myself, i don't think it is possible to not think of yourself. I'd have to cease being myself and become someone else entirely which defeats the purpose because in that act you become another self and starting thinking about yourself again. The other option, i guess, would be to become a non-entity; which i don't think is possible because christian or not when you die your soul is alive, in a manner of speaking, and you are still conscious of yourself you can't just cease to be.

So in thinking of yourself are you being selfish? or is that just normal? or does it depend on how much you think of yourself? or does the substance of what is thought about count for the level of selfishness? Can one be selfish and not selfish at the same time? Interesting thought. How is one considered a selfish person? Does one's own determination of another individual make that other individaul a decidedly selfish person? Who gave the first person's opinion that much credibility as to deem the selfish person indeed selfish? Or does it have to be a more collective decision? One person to make the claim and 2 or more to make it a "fact". Now i really am blathering on. These kinds of debates or conversations are just pointless. The person is selfish because they only think of themselves. There, case closed. Dismiss the jury.

I don't know what the point of this rambling is, but if you read it, kudos to you. I guess if you are into philosophy this might strike you as at least moderately interesting since philosophers are constantly thinking about the self as it relates to whatever. And that was a huge generalization i realize but whatever.